Back in the 1213 days of undergrad I was known as "Neutral Man". Whether good or bad, my emotional response was always straight and narrow. I never betrayed anger, and joy and excitement could only be gleaned in moments of extraordinary happiness.
Following my breakup with Missy all those years ago, I began to explore my repressed and/or underdeveloped "dark side". For the first time I allowed myself to become visibly and outwardly angry, and for a time I may have grown too comfortable with that darkness.
During the year I spent back in Holland, and the last year spent in North Carolina, that dark visage of anger and bitterness became a more and more regular part of my personality. People who had not known me during high school or undergrad met me during a time that I was constantly frustrated, hopeless, angry, bitter, and otherwise possessing a less-than-sunny disposition. I have a hard time thinking of a day in North Carolina where I wasn't angry.
But since coming back to Michigan, I can't remember the last time I got angry. The darkness seems to have subsided, but as truly satisfied and content as I find myself in my new place and position, the best I can seem to emote is that old "Neutral Man" persona.
In the last few weeks, two different people on two different occasions have told me that I am too uptight and need to "let loose".
Problem is, I don't think I know how.
Make no mistake, I much prefer being seen as calm, professional, mature, and reserved than as the stressed and angry caricature of myself I became last year. But nonetheless, I've been given the gift of two free years back in college and I don't want to miss out on the opportunities this provides me. I cannot fault or dispute anyone who has met me and said they have a hard time imagining me being able to relax and have fun, but I certainly don't want to perpetuate that image.
At what point does one draw the line between stoicism and anhedony? I am actually happy with things for the first time in over two years, but I seem incapable of showing that to the people around me. I'm 25, inside I feel 22 again, but everyone seems to think of me as acting so much more like 35.
If you can think of something fun I should be doing, please feel free to leave a comment.
