Making a Difference

I had something nearly akin to an epiphany today, and I wanted to try and write out my thoughts and feelings on the matter before I lost the initial rush of it all. So, as I assume many of my posts are, it's more for my benefit and posterity than your interest. Though I do appreciate any who still haunt these pages, and welcome your comments.

What led to this epiphany were the recent goings on in my position as a graduate assistant in the last week. I am currently in the process of scheduling interviews with potential internship host sites for the summer, and at the same time I've made some inquiries as to my options as far as graduate positions for next year. Though I was initially disappointed by the fact that no opportunities exist for me to transfer into an advising setting, I now feel a certain sense of rededication to my position within housing. And since the majority of paid internships for the summer are within housing, it all has come together.

What brought about the true insight and inspiration, though, was a meeting I had originally hoped I didn't have to go to this morning. All of the Living Center Directors and graduate students got together in a conference room at 8:00 this morning and tried to place both the new and returning Resident Advisors into staff teams for next fall. The meeting was scheduled to go until noon, and the idea of a four hour meeting this morning held absolutely no appeal to me.

One of the themes that came up during the course of the meeting, and has been articulated on many other occasions by many other people, is the difficulty in both finding and retaining quality male candidates for RA positions. We've had to fire a few so far this year, many others are not returning, and the number of new qualified males is nowhere near enough to make up for these two things.

As it stands right now, I may be the only returning male graduate student to housing next year. And either because of, or in spite of this fact, I had the idea to try and change the pattern and cycle that has become a perennial problem.

I've talked with a few of the living center directors and one of the assistant housing directors about my idea, and all have been supportive of any effort I am willing to put forth in order to identify and hopefully change the problems we've had in finding and holding on to qualified male staff members. This may give me the opportunity to do training, advising, mentoring, and all sorts of other means of involvement that I have been missing sometimes in my position this year.

The issues our department is facing are just smaller examples of a phenomenon that affects the entire field of student affairs from student staff all the way up to professional staff, and as a result it may provide a foundation for my thesis project.

Who knows what I'll be able to do, and what results it may have, but right now this idea feels like the kind of project and commitment that I have been envious of in watching some other grad students in the program. It's something I have a vested interest in, something I believe I have the skills and background for, and something that I hope I will be proud to have been responsible for.

True Colors

During our staff training today we took a personality assessment known as the "True Colors" test. It is based on the Myers-Briggs typology which defines 16 different personality types, and Myers-Briggs is itself based on the theories of Carl Jung. There are 4 different colors - Green, Blue, Orange, and Gold - each color representing a different combination of personality traits, interests, preferences, and values. No one color is better than another, and everyone has their own spectrum of which colors are brightest and palest, indicating which types more or less define them.

Green was my brightest color, closely followed by gold. Orange was my palest color, and Blue ended up in the middle. Here's a description of each:


Green expresses itself psychologically as human will in operation: as persistence and determination. Green is an expression of firmness and consistency. Its strength can lead to a resistance to change if it is not proven that the change will work or is warranted. Those with Green as a Primary Color value their intellect and capabilities above all else. Comfort in these areas creates a sense of personal security and self-esteem.

Green characteristics seek to increase the certainty of their own values through being assertive and requiring differences from others in intellectual areas. They are rarely settled in their countenance, since they depend upon information rather than feelings to create a sense of well-being. Green expresses the grounding of theory and data in its practical applications and creative constructs.


Gold is the body's natural perceptions. It represents a need to be responsible, to fulfill duties and obligations, to organize and structure our life and that of others. Those with Gold as a Primary Color value being practical and sensible. They believe that people should earn their way in life through work and service to others.

Gold reflects a need to belong through carrying a share of the load in all areas of living. It represents stability, maintenance of the culture and the organization, efficiency, and dependability. It embraces the concepts of home and family with fierce loyalty and faithfulness.


Blue represents calm. Contemplation of this color pacifies the central nervous system. It creates physiological tranquility and psychological contentment. Those with Blue as a Primary Color value balance and harmony. They prefer lives free from tension... settled, united, and secure.

Blue represents loyalty and a sense of belonging, and yet, when friends are involved, a vulnerability. Blue corresponds to depth in feeling and a relaxed sensitivity. It is characterized by empathy, aesthetic experiences, and reflective awareness.


Orange represents energy, consuming physiological potency, power, and strength. Orange is the expression of vital force, of nervous and glandular activity. Thus, it has the meaning of desire and all forms of appetite and craving. Those with Orange as a Primary Color feel the will to achieve results, to win, to be successful. They desire all things that offer intense living and full experience.

Orange generates an impulse toward active doing: sport, struggle, competition and enterprising productivity. In temporal terms, Orange is the present.

Sound pretty accurate to you?

You can take an abbreviated version of the test online here.

Memory

Memory is a tricky thing.

As great an ability as I think I have to remember things and keep track of stuff in my head, just like everyone else my memory has its flaws and its limits. There is a great deal that I have forgotten or gotten mixed up over the intervening years, but in no regard is memory more uncertain than in remembering yourself at certain points in your life.

Whether or not anyone still reads these diatribes is only a very small part of why I write this - it's as much for myself and my own posterity as it is for any casual reader to indulge their curiosity.

I've spent more time than usual in the last few weeks of break thinking about the past, and more importantly trying to compare it to the present. I'm at no great turning point in my life - I'm actually more content with where I am now than I have been in quite some time - but nevertheless one's thoughts invariably turn toward the future. And one cannot look to the future without taking a moment to recount the past and the course that has led one to the present.

The question on my mind is one of identity. I've never been one to suffer from identity crises and feel the overwhelming urge to reinvent myself, but at the same time I find the line that I trace back to my sense of self is a bit fuzzy in places. People who have gotten to know me since I graduated from college have described me as a smart ass who likes to make his opinion known, a bitter cynic, anal retentive who doesn't know how to be casual and relax, and I'm sure other descriptors that may be even less kind.

I looked back at my high school yearbook and read the notes of people who talked about how I was such a nice, honest, caring, funny guy who was such a great listener. I was humble and lovable, always there to be counted on, selfless and open.

What changed?

I know I've wrestled with my own demons of anger and hopelessness in the last few years, but what other demons have I allowed to win in their battles with my better angels? Did I let the weight of the world crush my hope and idealism? Did I get tired of being the nice guy who finished last in the hopes that a little darkness and self interest would yield greater rewards? Have I turned to the Dark Side?

And yet in the last few days as my own perceptions of myself have been unclear, there have been those who have seen me as I once saw myself and reminded me of that part of me. Have I simply become more guarded, put up greater defenses as a result of the pain that openness brought? Have my anger, my arrogance, my pride all been an act to ward off those who may find my vulnerabilities and weaknesses?

Where do I go from here?