Take me Home, Jimmy

Over the last year as I have prepared for travel to various conferences and other events around the country I have always downloaded some new music from iTunes to listen to in the airport, plane, etc. as a way of ignoring the unwashed masses of humanity around me. Coincidentally, I think that for both trips I have taken to Orlando for conferences in the last year I have downloaded a bunch of Jimmy Eat World as the new music for my trip. As a result, Jimmy Eat World has become my unofficial soundtrack while traveling. I have The Captain to thank for much of my introduction to their music, especially certain songs that have extended instrumental portions at the end. There's just something incredibly right about falling asleep on an airplane to the last 11 minutes of "Goodbye Sky Harbor", or driving with the moon roof open to the last half of "23".

It's All About Soul

I miss having faith.

Upon leaving a meeting this evening I ended up right behind a group of students who were leaving what I presume was some sort of worship or praise service on campus because the whole time I was walking within earshot of them they were discussing upcoming praise rallies and the lyrics to a particular hymn. As I listened I thought about my own current lack of any affiliation or association with any sort of church or other religious organization, and more importantly how that stands in marked contrast to a time in my life when a good deal of my time was spent either at my church or at various church related functions. I had more faith at 16 then I do at 26, and that's not the easiest realization to come to.

I know that simple attendance or even involvement with organized religion does not automatically equate with faith or belief, and that many people of tremendous faith would not show up on some people's radar as "religious". Religion, belief, and faith are all dubiously and precariously linked, but at the same time they can strengthen and support each other. I don't know if I was a stronger person at 16 than I am now (that's a scary thought), or if the strength of a community of believers helped to foster my own faith, but where once I would turn to faith and hope in time of trouble I now find myself communing with the paler fellows of doubt and despair.

None of us will ever count ourselves so fortunate as to be free from stumbling or struggling in life, and while this may be true there is a great deal of difference in the ways in which we deal with these setbacks and hardships. I know there was a time where I could accept disappointment and failure as a lesson to learn from, or something I could trust that would later prove to be for the best, and that at times I was foolish, young, or naive enough to call myself an optimist.

I now call myself a cynic, am referred to as others as a pessimist, and may even delude myself by claiming the title of realist. All those things that cause me to stumble and struggle, no matter their size or severity, seem to be insurmountable and impossible to recover from. I lose not only faith, but also hope that things will ever get better.

I have been depressed. I spent 4 months lying on my couch, feeling like I had hit rock bottom and that every day was the worst day of my life. I know what it feels like to really have lost all hope that things could ever be better. I'm nowhere close to that, and I'm afraid to think of what it would take to ever put me back there again.

But sufficed to say I have lost faith. I listen to people telling me that things will get better, things happen for a reason, and a whole litany of reassurances that make perfect logical and rational sense. But when one views things from an irrational and emotional place, such reassurances hold little weight or credence. Others may have faith in me, but until I can recover that faith in myself I cannot take comfort in such support.

I want to trust again, have faith renewed, and believe that things will work out for the best. I just can't remember how.