Back in the 1213 days of undergrad I was known as "Neutral Man". Whether good or bad, my emotional response was always straight and narrow. I never betrayed anger, and joy and excitement could only be gleaned in moments of extraordinary happiness.
Following my breakup with Missy all those years ago, I began to explore my repressed and/or underdeveloped "dark side". For the first time I allowed myself to become visibly and outwardly angry, and for a time I may have grown too comfortable with that darkness.
During the year I spent back in Holland, and the last year spent in North Carolina, that dark visage of anger and bitterness became a more and more regular part of my personality. People who had not known me during high school or undergrad met me during a time that I was constantly frustrated, hopeless, angry, bitter, and otherwise possessing a less-than-sunny disposition. I have a hard time thinking of a day in North Carolina where I wasn't angry.
But since coming back to Michigan, I can't remember the last time I got angry. The darkness seems to have subsided, but as truly satisfied and content as I find myself in my new place and position, the best I can seem to emote is that old "Neutral Man" persona.
In the last few weeks, two different people on two different occasions have told me that I am too uptight and need to "let loose".
Problem is, I don't think I know how.
Make no mistake, I much prefer being seen as calm, professional, mature, and reserved than as the stressed and angry caricature of myself I became last year. But nonetheless, I've been given the gift of two free years back in college and I don't want to miss out on the opportunities this provides me. I cannot fault or dispute anyone who has met me and said they have a hard time imagining me being able to relax and have fun, but I certainly don't want to perpetuate that image.
At what point does one draw the line between stoicism and anhedony? I am actually happy with things for the first time in over two years, but I seem incapable of showing that to the people around me. I'm 25, inside I feel 22 again, but everyone seems to think of me as acting so much more like 35.
If you can think of something fun I should be doing, please feel free to leave a comment.
3 comments:
A helluva start would be using words other than stoicism and anhedony.
Brad, I've seen you nearly giddy while surveying your action figure collection. Sure, you try to play your emotions close to the vest, but you're hardly joyless. If you feel you need to add more fun to your life, write an amateurish screenplay and make a no-budget movie starring your friends and relatives, something along the lines of the BTW Films films.
You had a bit part in Smith and Winkler Save Christmas, a perfect example of manufactured fun.
http://bradscontinuingrant.blogspot.com/2004/12/fuck-world.html
Could be worse
Post a Comment