I miss having faith.
Upon leaving a meeting this evening I ended up right behind a group of students who were leaving what I presume was some sort of worship or praise service on campus because the whole time I was walking within earshot of them they were discussing upcoming praise rallies and the lyrics to a particular hymn. As I listened I thought about my own current lack of any affiliation or association with any sort of church or other religious organization, and more importantly how that stands in marked contrast to a time in my life when a good deal of my time was spent either at my church or at various church related functions. I had more faith at 16 then I do at 26, and that's not the easiest realization to come to.
I know that simple attendance or even involvement with organized religion does not automatically equate with faith or belief, and that many people of tremendous faith would not show up on some people's radar as "religious". Religion, belief, and faith are all dubiously and precariously linked, but at the same time they can strengthen and support each other. I don't know if I was a stronger person at 16 than I am now (that's a scary thought), or if the strength of a community of believers helped to foster my own faith, but where once I would turn to faith and hope in time of trouble I now find myself communing with the paler fellows of doubt and despair.
None of us will ever count ourselves so fortunate as to be free from stumbling or struggling in life, and while this may be true there is a great deal of difference in the ways in which we deal with these setbacks and hardships. I know there was a time where I could accept disappointment and failure as a lesson to learn from, or something I could trust that would later prove to be for the best, and that at times I was foolish, young, or naive enough to call myself an optimist.
I now call myself a cynic, am referred to as others as a pessimist, and may even delude myself by claiming the title of realist. All those things that cause me to stumble and struggle, no matter their size or severity, seem to be insurmountable and impossible to recover from. I lose not only faith, but also hope that things will ever get better.
I have been depressed. I spent 4 months lying on my couch, feeling like I had hit rock bottom and that every day was the worst day of my life. I know what it feels like to really have lost all hope that things could ever be better. I'm nowhere close to that, and I'm afraid to think of what it would take to ever put me back there again.
But sufficed to say I have lost faith. I listen to people telling me that things will get better, things happen for a reason, and a whole litany of reassurances that make perfect logical and rational sense. But when one views things from an irrational and emotional place, such reassurances hold little weight or credence. Others may have faith in me, but until I can recover that faith in myself I cannot take comfort in such support.
I want to trust again, have faith renewed, and believe that things will work out for the best. I just can't remember how.
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4 comments:
I was smart a long, long time ago. Probably before all the head injuries, drinking, and lord only knows what else.
But I was smart for a time. I told you this a hundred times if I said it once, and most of the time it was more for my own guidance than anything else -- but it remains true.
You can't get out of anything with your head that you got into with your heart -- and that you'll never get into anything with your heart with your head. Love and logic don't, haven't, nor shall ever mix. Love, faith, religion, belief -- or whatever it may be -- you didn't leave NC because it was logical. You did it for a feeling and from a feeling. You're never, ever going to get anywhere continually expecting to still feel the joy of being away from something as it were to be to truly be where you are. Being away only makes coming home better. You've run out of "coming home" -- now you've got to find a reason to remain.
Don't overthink it. Logic will never please you -- because anything you can surmise to create, you'll be able to defeat in time -- whether you want to or not. Find something that doesn't make sense. Make a bad decision because you wanted to see what's down the tunnel. Do something un-Brad because you have a gut-check on yourself. Force your own hand and make yourself get out of it.
Maybe I just described the blind date from hell, I don't know. Don't watch the scoreboard buddy, you're only supposed to win once.
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Two items: 1) Never believe people who say "God has a plan and this will all work out for the best." The second part is the problem. God does have a plan, but is it for Him alone to know. His plan may be for you to be miserable and die a wretched death. Above all else, make peace with that.
2) Two words, my friend: Catholicism WOW!
1) There's a great quote about faith and glasses in Dogma. I believe it for sure. It takes a lot more to fill up my glass now, if you will.
2) I don't trust people who never question their faith. I didn't before Great Books, but after reading Confessions, I was convinced for sure. Faith is a journey, not a destination. No one on earth can have perfect faith, just like no one can be without sin.
3) I identify most with the Unitarian Faith, which doesn't talk a lot about Jesus, but which talks a lot about love and acceptance, which I think is very Jesus oriented.
I don't know. Faith is hard. Most of the people I know that don't have doubts have never questioned it. And I think it's better to have done so and had doubts than to live in ignorance forever.
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