It's Official - I Can Never Leave College Again

I have one more class tonight during which I have to watch the last group presentation, and then I have a take-home exam to drop off for another class, but for all intents and purposes I am done for the semester. Granted, the last few weeks have been busy both for classes and for my assistantship (job), but busy in a good way. While I don't like being busy any more than anyone else, I nonetheless can see in myself the rush I get when faced with things to get done. And thus far, my efforts have all been duly rewarded.

A major change since this time last year.

Last November through March was the lowest point I have ever been in my life. I worked my ass off trying to do my job, and the harder I worked the harder I fell when that work did not yield any more positive results. I would drag myself out of bed every morning, suffer through another futile day of trying to educate children who would fit better in a prison than a school, and then come home and lie on the couch from about 5:00 - 10:00 before pushing myself to try and develop another lesson plan. I went to see a counselor about it, and the basic analysis we came up with was that I hated my job and my situation, and that I wouldn't be happy until I could change those things.

I can't argue with him. Thanks, doc.

I haven't felt this empowered and alive since I left Ann Arbor 3 years ago. I thought maybe it was just associated with U of M and my positions there, but I feel the same sense of purpose and drive now that I did there. I actually enjoyed writing 18 pages for an 8-12 page final paper because once I started on it I was "in the zone". I enjoyed getting through a whole list of responsibilities in my office last week. For both my efforts, I got a 100% for the semester in that class, and a great evaluation from my supervisor.

Living back in Holland two years ago, I thought I was losing my mental sharpness. I felt like Charlie Gordon from Flowers for Algernon, knowing that he was regressing to his previously feeble intellect but unable to stop it. Being back in college, I feel like my mind is working at a million miles an hour. I feel like I'm mentally back at full strength again, and sometimes even stronger. It may just be feeding a sense of ego and vanity, but when 30 graduate students look to you during class for an answer or explanation, it tends to promote a sense of pride in one's intellectual abilities.

One year ago I didn't think things could get much worse, and right now things just keep getting better. I booked a flight down to Orlando for a conference this spring, and I'm working on applications to study abroad in Mexico this summer and then spend 6-8 weeks somewhere else on an internship. There's a good chance I could 4.0 my first semester of graduate school.

Much better than writing lesson plans for juvenile delinquents.