Yes, I'm yelling at my cell phone.
I spent March, April, and May filling out online applications, writing cover letters, going to job fairs, and going through every possible means of applying to over 30 school districts in the suburban Chicago area.
Have any of them called me?
No.
Fuck you, Illinois.
So in June I decided it was time to get desperate, and I started applying to schools in North Carolina. Within a week I had gotten e-mails from 3 principals following up on my paperwork, and one interview over the phone. I was all excited that the myths and legends were true, and that these districts would be fighting over who got to hire me.
But what have I heard in the last week? Survey says... Nothing.
Offer me a fucking job! You've got my cell phone number, you've got my home phone number, you've got my e-mail address. Pick one! (Now reread the last sentence, imagining it's in Lewis Black's voice.)
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Monday, June 20, 2005
I'm a Hack
I spent all day on Friday trying to finish a short story for The Newsletter. Two half finished stories left behind, and 3 AM later, I finally finished it and e-mailed it out. It's not a groundbreaking testament to the human spirit, it's not really all that good. I think there's enough little amusing lines and bits to make it worthwhile, but it's not something I'm waiting on the edge of my seat to see in print.
Sigh.
As I was driving back home from Chi-Town Saturday, I remembered the stack of floppy disks I had found amongst my crap in the basement during the last time I tried to consolidate the nonsense. Since I don't have a floppy drive on my laptop I didn't check them out right away, and then they fell back behind something and I wasn't in any rush to dig them out. But thinking these disks may have a lot of my writing from high school on them, I decided I was going to make a project out of going through them. I got back home Saturday with enough time to grab a snack and a shower before heading to the Gap, and so the exploration of these disks was saved for yesterday.
As I had suspected, these were some of the disks to which I saved things in high school. As I waited for the files to load on my brother's computer (his has a 3 1/2 disk drive) I realized that it was taking a minute because these disks were 10 years old. It's scary to put that sort of perspective on things.
What's even scarier is that I was immensely please with how good the stories and other writings were, moreso than I have been of my writing of late. Sure, I could see ways to improve them and stylistic changes I would make today, but the basics were better than I remembered.
And that's totally depressing.
I had more to write about when I was 14 than I do at 24.
Sigh.
As I was driving back home from Chi-Town Saturday, I remembered the stack of floppy disks I had found amongst my crap in the basement during the last time I tried to consolidate the nonsense. Since I don't have a floppy drive on my laptop I didn't check them out right away, and then they fell back behind something and I wasn't in any rush to dig them out. But thinking these disks may have a lot of my writing from high school on them, I decided I was going to make a project out of going through them. I got back home Saturday with enough time to grab a snack and a shower before heading to the Gap, and so the exploration of these disks was saved for yesterday.
As I had suspected, these were some of the disks to which I saved things in high school. As I waited for the files to load on my brother's computer (his has a 3 1/2 disk drive) I realized that it was taking a minute because these disks were 10 years old. It's scary to put that sort of perspective on things.
What's even scarier is that I was immensely please with how good the stories and other writings were, moreso than I have been of my writing of late. Sure, I could see ways to improve them and stylistic changes I would make today, but the basics were better than I remembered.
And that's totally depressing.
I had more to write about when I was 14 than I do at 24.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Time to Get Me an Accent...
School is done for the year now, so that means no more subbing days. My only source of income now is from the Gap. I just get more resentful of it every day that I go in - hating what I have to do, hating the customers, hating many of my coworkers, and even hating particular items of clothing. When inanimate objects provoke a sense of seething rage in you, you know things are not going well.
I've gotten 3 rejection notices so far, and that's all I've heard from schools. Just like dating, all the pretty girls aren't interested, so now it's time to go find the girl with a "great personality"...
That's right, I started applying to schools in North Carolina.
Supposedly Texas, Florida, and North Carolina are the states most in need of teachers. North Carolina has the distinct advantage of not being either Texas or Florida. Over Christmas break I talked briefly to a girl I graduated with who is teaching in NC, and she tried to convince me it was the thing to do. My dad was down there for a week on business a few years ago, and he told me it's pretty nice down there. It's the South, but it's not the Deep South. Hell, I see more confederate flags and cowboy hats in West Michigan than I ever did living in Missouri, so I'm not too worried. Now I just have to wait by the phone...
I've gotten 3 rejection notices so far, and that's all I've heard from schools. Just like dating, all the pretty girls aren't interested, so now it's time to go find the girl with a "great personality"...
That's right, I started applying to schools in North Carolina.
Supposedly Texas, Florida, and North Carolina are the states most in need of teachers. North Carolina has the distinct advantage of not being either Texas or Florida. Over Christmas break I talked briefly to a girl I graduated with who is teaching in NC, and she tried to convince me it was the thing to do. My dad was down there for a week on business a few years ago, and he told me it's pretty nice down there. It's the South, but it's not the Deep South. Hell, I see more confederate flags and cowboy hats in West Michigan than I ever did living in Missouri, so I'm not too worried. Now I just have to wait by the phone...
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Mr. Brightside
You know that scene in movies where the character goes into the bathroom to wash their face, and as they look up from the sink there's a long emotional pause as they look at themselves in the mirror while dramatic music plays?
That kinda describes the way I've felt for the last few days.
May was an exciting month. Between Tulip Time, Star Wars, and this past weekend spent in Traverse City I've had a lot to do and a lot of fun. In between all of these weekend extravaganzas were some solid weeks of substitute teaching, which not only kept me busy but also kept me away from the Gap.
Now it's June. Time to hurry up and wait for something to happen. School's ending next week, so it means no more subbing jobs. My time will be spent waiting for the clock hands to move at the Gap, or waiting for the phone to ring at home.
Here's the last piece of the puzzle... Yesterday I found out that one of my ex-girlfriends from high school is getting married. Beyond just a little fling or a date to a dance, she was the most significant dating relationship I had in high school. After a bit of awkward transitional time, we eventually got used to being friends and have more or less kept in touch over the last few years. I hung out with her one night around Christmas and she mentioned that she and her boyfriend had been "talking about the future". Now that it's official I'm happy for her, but it's a weird feeling to say the least.
A real job and a girlfriend. When all is said and done, those are the two things I want that I can't seem to attain. And I won't find either in Holland.
So here I am
grown up at 23
Will someone tell me
what it takes to be happy?
The Ataris - "Giving up on Love"
I'm sure you, the reader, are shaking your head at my foolishness or naivete.
I know there are millions of people in the world that are both gainfully employed and involved in relationships, and are all the while still unhappy. I know that having these two things will not unlock the magical door to happyland. I know that more likely than not, there is a good chance for more misery to come of either a job or a girlfriend.
And still, I want both. As irrational, illogical, unbelievable, and unreasonable as it seems I have nonetheless admitted it.
That kinda describes the way I've felt for the last few days.
May was an exciting month. Between Tulip Time, Star Wars, and this past weekend spent in Traverse City I've had a lot to do and a lot of fun. In between all of these weekend extravaganzas were some solid weeks of substitute teaching, which not only kept me busy but also kept me away from the Gap.
Now it's June. Time to hurry up and wait for something to happen. School's ending next week, so it means no more subbing jobs. My time will be spent waiting for the clock hands to move at the Gap, or waiting for the phone to ring at home.
Here's the last piece of the puzzle... Yesterday I found out that one of my ex-girlfriends from high school is getting married. Beyond just a little fling or a date to a dance, she was the most significant dating relationship I had in high school. After a bit of awkward transitional time, we eventually got used to being friends and have more or less kept in touch over the last few years. I hung out with her one night around Christmas and she mentioned that she and her boyfriend had been "talking about the future". Now that it's official I'm happy for her, but it's a weird feeling to say the least.
A real job and a girlfriend. When all is said and done, those are the two things I want that I can't seem to attain. And I won't find either in Holland.
So here I am
grown up at 23
Will someone tell me
what it takes to be happy?
The Ataris - "Giving up on Love"
I'm sure you, the reader, are shaking your head at my foolishness or naivete.
I know there are millions of people in the world that are both gainfully employed and involved in relationships, and are all the while still unhappy. I know that having these two things will not unlock the magical door to happyland. I know that more likely than not, there is a good chance for more misery to come of either a job or a girlfriend.
And still, I want both. As irrational, illogical, unbelievable, and unreasonable as it seems I have nonetheless admitted it.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Penguins
Which is more ridiculous - the fact that I bought a tuxedo on eBay, or that this weekend will be the second time I'll wear it?
Salute to C-Dawg
I found out yesterday that my high school band director has resigned after spending the last few months out for health reasons. He could have retired a few years ago, but we all knew he'd never be able to just walk away. We all knew only something drastic like this is the only way he'd ever be able to let go.
You ask anyone who was in that band for four years, and I guarantee that there's something they learned from Mr. C. that's still with them today. Though we all had an idea of the impact he had on us while we were in his band, we realized even more after we graduated just how much Mr. C. taught us over the years. He set the highest standards and expectations for us, and we surpassed them until we made the impossible look easy. And it's all because he knew how much potential we had, and didn't let up until we realized it.
That band was a brotherhood, a fraternity, a legacy that each of us became a part of. Dean built that music program from the ground up with his own two hands, turning it into one of the best bands in the state. We all joined it as scared, clueless freshmen, and left as confident seniors knowing that we had been a part of something greater than ourselves. None of our parents quite understood, but most of us learned more about ourselves and about life from that band than from anywhere or anyone else.
I feel bad for whoever the new band director is. There's no way anyone can hope to succeed Mr. C., and as long as there are still students there who remember him the new director will never be able to get out from under his shadow. That's Dean's band.
IBP forever.
You ask anyone who was in that band for four years, and I guarantee that there's something they learned from Mr. C. that's still with them today. Though we all had an idea of the impact he had on us while we were in his band, we realized even more after we graduated just how much Mr. C. taught us over the years. He set the highest standards and expectations for us, and we surpassed them until we made the impossible look easy. And it's all because he knew how much potential we had, and didn't let up until we realized it.
That band was a brotherhood, a fraternity, a legacy that each of us became a part of. Dean built that music program from the ground up with his own two hands, turning it into one of the best bands in the state. We all joined it as scared, clueless freshmen, and left as confident seniors knowing that we had been a part of something greater than ourselves. None of our parents quite understood, but most of us learned more about ourselves and about life from that band than from anywhere or anyone else.
I feel bad for whoever the new band director is. There's no way anyone can hope to succeed Mr. C., and as long as there are still students there who remember him the new director will never be able to get out from under his shadow. That's Dean's band.
IBP forever.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Power of the Dark Side
Over the last few days, I can think of at least three occasions that I wish I had the ability to strangle someone with my thoughts.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
Friday, May 20, 2005
It's the little things...
Every now and then, there is no better feeling on Earth than knowing you've got no obligations ahead of you.
Given the nature of my dual employments, there have been more than a few days that I taught all day and then followed it up with a closing shift at the Gap. I know it doesn't sound like much to the casual reader, but when you've spent 8 hours dealing with demanding and selfish adolescents the last thing you want to do is spend your evening dealing with demanding and selfish customers.
Not tonight.
During my last hour teaching today, I was struck with the fact that I could go home and sit on my ass. That moment of realization was probably the high point of my day. I busted out of school this afternoon not because I had somewhere to be, but because I couldn't wait to go nowhere.
I did not want to get out of bed this morning. After a two-day Star Wars bender, I just wanted to sleep. Seeing Episode III twice in a 12 hour period was great, but after the second viewing I had to drive 2 1/2 hours home. And this was of course after going to bed at 3:30 in the morning following the Midnight premiere. But hey, it was the last Star Wars movie, and I would have gone to the Midnight show even if I was teaching the morning after.
Anyway, the point is that tonight after I got home from school I did absolutely nothing. I took a nap, reheated some leftovers for dinner, and watched TV I had taped in the last few weeks but hadn't gotten around to watching yet.
In all things, balance.
When I wasn't working as often, I'd be bored sitting around the house. Now I've been working everyday, sometimes twice in a day, and I have to look days ahead to find my chance to do nothing.
Ah well, in the end I guess it's the paychecks that matter.
Given the nature of my dual employments, there have been more than a few days that I taught all day and then followed it up with a closing shift at the Gap. I know it doesn't sound like much to the casual reader, but when you've spent 8 hours dealing with demanding and selfish adolescents the last thing you want to do is spend your evening dealing with demanding and selfish customers.
Not tonight.
During my last hour teaching today, I was struck with the fact that I could go home and sit on my ass. That moment of realization was probably the high point of my day. I busted out of school this afternoon not because I had somewhere to be, but because I couldn't wait to go nowhere.
I did not want to get out of bed this morning. After a two-day Star Wars bender, I just wanted to sleep. Seeing Episode III twice in a 12 hour period was great, but after the second viewing I had to drive 2 1/2 hours home. And this was of course after going to bed at 3:30 in the morning following the Midnight premiere. But hey, it was the last Star Wars movie, and I would have gone to the Midnight show even if I was teaching the morning after.
Anyway, the point is that tonight after I got home from school I did absolutely nothing. I took a nap, reheated some leftovers for dinner, and watched TV I had taped in the last few weeks but hadn't gotten around to watching yet.
In all things, balance.
When I wasn't working as often, I'd be bored sitting around the house. Now I've been working everyday, sometimes twice in a day, and I have to look days ahead to find my chance to do nothing.
Ah well, in the end I guess it's the paychecks that matter.
Monday, May 16, 2005
The Final Frontier
After weeks of dread, i watched the series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise last night. It originally aired on Friday night, but in true fashion to the local UPN affiliates record of how it has treated Enterprise, it was pre-empted by basketball. While part of me was grateful that it delayed the inevitable a few more days, it was nonetheless one last kick in the teeth.
I deeply hope that the end of Enterprise does not mean the end of Star Trek. But given the way the network, advertisers, fans, and show creators have acted I honestly don't know when and what it will take for Star Trek to come back. As much as it's become a cliche amongst true Star Trek fans, the undeniable truth is that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga had as much blood on their hands as anyone else in killing Star Trek. The finale, "These are the Voyages..." was a painful reminder of why those two should never again be allowed near Star Trek.
The episode was not that bad, but the way it was executed just kept screwing the cast and legacy of Enterprise at every turn. Not allowed to simply ride into the sunset on their own, Archer and is crew had to be saddled with Riker and Troi from The Next Generation. It would have been okay if it was Riker and Troi post-Nemesis on the USS Titan, but instead Berman had to drag everyone back to the Enterprise D. What followed was a lame series of cameos by Riker and Troi that got in the way of the Enterprise cast, and denied them any sort of last dance together.
The very end of the episode, featuring the opening voice-over split between Picard, Kirk, and Archer was a nice touch, but was too little too late.
Should we ever again see the crew of the Enterprise NX-01, I trust in Manny Coto and the Reeves-Stevens to undue the besmirching wrought by Berman and Braga. I hope that in 5 years time UPN will have crumbled to dust and been blown away by the winds of time, Berman and Braga are run out of town, and true talents such as Coto and Ira Stephen Behr can carry on Gene Roddenberry's vision.
I deeply hope that the end of Enterprise does not mean the end of Star Trek. But given the way the network, advertisers, fans, and show creators have acted I honestly don't know when and what it will take for Star Trek to come back. As much as it's become a cliche amongst true Star Trek fans, the undeniable truth is that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga had as much blood on their hands as anyone else in killing Star Trek. The finale, "These are the Voyages..." was a painful reminder of why those two should never again be allowed near Star Trek.
The episode was not that bad, but the way it was executed just kept screwing the cast and legacy of Enterprise at every turn. Not allowed to simply ride into the sunset on their own, Archer and is crew had to be saddled with Riker and Troi from The Next Generation. It would have been okay if it was Riker and Troi post-Nemesis on the USS Titan, but instead Berman had to drag everyone back to the Enterprise D. What followed was a lame series of cameos by Riker and Troi that got in the way of the Enterprise cast, and denied them any sort of last dance together.
The very end of the episode, featuring the opening voice-over split between Picard, Kirk, and Archer was a nice touch, but was too little too late.
Should we ever again see the crew of the Enterprise NX-01, I trust in Manny Coto and the Reeves-Stevens to undue the besmirching wrought by Berman and Braga. I hope that in 5 years time UPN will have crumbled to dust and been blown away by the winds of time, Berman and Braga are run out of town, and true talents such as Coto and Ira Stephen Behr can carry on Gene Roddenberry's vision.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Putting a Lot On My Plate
Last week I felt alive again for the first time in weeks. My "vacation" from Holland a few weeks ago spent on the road was a much needed escape, but this past week was spent solely in the confines of Holland. But while I was still here, I felt like I was back in the life I am used to, the life I want to reclaim.
I taught 4 days out of 5 last week, worked 4 days at the Gap, and spent the rest of my available time at home working on The Newsletter related business. Instead of just a normal column, I also worked on a film review and new 9 panel FreshMan adventure. Of course this free time was also punctuated with several rounds of Halo 2 on X-Box live, because even when I have too much to do I can never just get to work.
I don't like stress. I don't like my time to be completely scheduled out. And yet, as I've said before, it's only when I'm going in so many different directions at a time that I really feel like I'm myself. The more idle time I have the more time I spend moping and dwelling, which is no good for anyone.
I've got plans set and dates booked all the way through the rest of May. I'm teaching at least 3 days a week, and I've got some sort of adventure planned for every weekend. I may not feel totally happy, but at least I won't have time to be depressed.
I taught 4 days out of 5 last week, worked 4 days at the Gap, and spent the rest of my available time at home working on The Newsletter related business. Instead of just a normal column, I also worked on a film review and new 9 panel FreshMan adventure. Of course this free time was also punctuated with several rounds of Halo 2 on X-Box live, because even when I have too much to do I can never just get to work.
I don't like stress. I don't like my time to be completely scheduled out. And yet, as I've said before, it's only when I'm going in so many different directions at a time that I really feel like I'm myself. The more idle time I have the more time I spend moping and dwelling, which is no good for anyone.
I've got plans set and dates booked all the way through the rest of May. I'm teaching at least 3 days a week, and I've got some sort of adventure planned for every weekend. I may not feel totally happy, but at least I won't have time to be depressed.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
A little sketchy
I love drawing comics, but man it's times like these that make me wish I was a better artist.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Re-dedication
As per The Last Angry Man's most recent post, I feel that I have contributed to the seemingly faltering state of blogging. I have to imagine that anyone still reading my blog has questioned why they do so, since I have only written about 3 posts in the last month.
As of late, I've envied other's blogs. As my own little corner of the World Wide Web has faded away, I've read really great posts on other's blogs that make me wish I had something cool to say.
You can take me down
To show me your home
Not the place where you live
But the place where you belong
You can bend my ear
We can talk all day
Just make sure you're around
When I've finally got something to say
Toad the Wet Sprocket - "Something to Say"
I'm trying to get back in the groove. I've been teaching almost every day for the last two weeks, and it's the most alive I've felt in a long while. I've been drawing comics again, and I always forget how much I enjoy it. Now I've just got to get back into writing mode.
Rock over London.
Rock on Chicago.
Blogspot, home of the rant.
As of late, I've envied other's blogs. As my own little corner of the World Wide Web has faded away, I've read really great posts on other's blogs that make me wish I had something cool to say.
You can take me down
To show me your home
Not the place where you live
But the place where you belong
You can bend my ear
We can talk all day
Just make sure you're around
When I've finally got something to say
Toad the Wet Sprocket - "Something to Say"
I'm trying to get back in the groove. I've been teaching almost every day for the last two weeks, and it's the most alive I've felt in a long while. I've been drawing comics again, and I always forget how much I enjoy it. Now I've just got to get back into writing mode.
Rock over London.
Rock on Chicago.
Blogspot, home of the rant.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Shout Outs (a week late)
They're about a week past due, but I just wanted to share a few quick thanks to my friends and family for their help in my job search two weeks ago. I was on the road for a week across Michigan and Illinois, and they made the trip more enjoyable.
Jon - Thanks for the futon, student ID, and parking pass. From what I heard from others inside, I probably saved $30 in admission and parking fees. Buffalo Wild Wings and Sin City were fun, and I'm looking forward to doing it again for Revenge of the Sith.
Dave and Tracey - It was just good to see you guys again for a bit. Thanks for indulging me in my need for Palio's and Red Hot Lover's... so good.
The Captain - For once again providing shelter in the 'burbs. Hopefully I'll have a need for the Aero bed again in the near future...
And for all who supported me through spiritual or metaphysical means, I thank you too. Now let's just hope it wasn't for naught.
Jon - Thanks for the futon, student ID, and parking pass. From what I heard from others inside, I probably saved $30 in admission and parking fees. Buffalo Wild Wings and Sin City were fun, and I'm looking forward to doing it again for Revenge of the Sith.
Dave and Tracey - It was just good to see you guys again for a bit. Thanks for indulging me in my need for Palio's and Red Hot Lover's... so good.
The Captain - For once again providing shelter in the 'burbs. Hopefully I'll have a need for the Aero bed again in the near future...
And for all who supported me through spiritual or metaphysical means, I thank you too. Now let's just hope it wasn't for naught.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Kicking My Own Ass
I have absolutely no self-discipline when it comes to time management right now. I haven't had a reason to in months. There's been no sense of urgency to anything I've done in far longer than I care to think about. Nonetheless, I have recently been trying to set deadlines and goals for myself in an effort to reestablish some semblance of control.
My current situation is not who I am, so it's time to reassert my influence upon the world around me instead of letting circumstance dictate how I live my life.
As such, tomorrow I am going to send application information to Rockford, York, and Indian Prairie Public Schools. I'm also going to return the message the Kalamazoo research clinic left me about upcoming studies.
My fortune cookie today said "Happy news is on its way to you." Cookie don't fail me now...
My current situation is not who I am, so it's time to reassert my influence upon the world around me instead of letting circumstance dictate how I live my life.
As such, tomorrow I am going to send application information to Rockford, York, and Indian Prairie Public Schools. I'm also going to return the message the Kalamazoo research clinic left me about upcoming studies.
My fortune cookie today said "Happy news is on its way to you." Cookie don't fail me now...
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Jerry Garcia is Dead, Get Over It...
If you went out of your way to smoke pot today and talk all about it and how it's 4/20 and that people are supposed to care, you're a fucking tool and I hate you.
I was trying to work past my anger and not feel hatred towards anything for a couple days, but then April 20th had to roll around. I have no strong feelings against smoking pot, but After living in Ann Arbor for 5 years I have no patience for wannabe-hippie burnout losers who have nothing better to do than talk about getting stoned.
I was trying to work past my anger and not feel hatred towards anything for a couple days, but then April 20th had to roll around. I have no strong feelings against smoking pot, but After living in Ann Arbor for 5 years I have no patience for wannabe-hippie burnout losers who have nothing better to do than talk about getting stoned.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Wrestling With My Demons
I have some serious introspection going on inside, and I've got a lot to write about in regard to it. Problem is, I can barely articulate it to myself. I've got this feeling, this notion, and a lot of questions that can't seem to make it the transition from my mind to the outside world. It's a demon that's found comfort in the darkness I've allowed for it to exist in, and now I'm trying to drag it out into the light.
Last week one of the girls at The Gap said that I was an Angry S.O.B. Had it been one of the high school girls I would have paid it no mind, but since it was one of the few older employees close to my age, it gave me pause. I couldn't dispute her. And worse, it's not like she's the first one to point it out.
There's been a change in my personality, in my thoughts and mood. I've become angry, hateful of things for no reason, impatient with people, and more often than not a generally unpleasant person. I don't know when the change started, though I have my suspicions. But regardless of when or why it happened, I don't like who I've become. I don't think a lot of people I've met in the last few years since I suspect the change started have really liked me, and I can't say I'm surprised.
I used to worry about the fact that I never got angry. Part of me feared that maybe I was repressing it all or keeping it bottled up inside, and that it would one day explode in some fit of rage years later. As I've thought about it, as The Captain seemed to concur, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I started to let the anger in because of Missy.
I really don't want to give her that kind of credit for affecting my life 3 years after I broke up with her, but I think there is some undeniable connection between the timing of our breakup and the beginning of the dark slide to angry Brad. So much during the last few months of our relationship did I sublimate the anger, hurt, and frustration I had towards her through either denial or internalization. When I finally realized that I was going to be miserable as long as I held on, and worked up the resolve to end our relationship, I no longer had a reason to pull my punches. I finally admitted that I was angry, I allowed myself to get angry, and I welcomed in the demon of anger for the first time in a long time.
I think that once I opened the door and let anger sleep on the couch, he started hanging out more and more. Little by little, he made himself more comfortable, more at home. He started redecorating the place, and occasionally would invite friends like resentment, spite, and irrationality over. At first the neighbors weren't complaining, so I never had reason to kick him out. But as time has passed, he's gotten too comfortable. He'll open the door in his bathrobe instead of letting the real homeowner answer the door.
Anger needs to pack his bags. He's fun to have around every now and then, but he's overstayed his welcome.
Last week one of the girls at The Gap said that I was an Angry S.O.B. Had it been one of the high school girls I would have paid it no mind, but since it was one of the few older employees close to my age, it gave me pause. I couldn't dispute her. And worse, it's not like she's the first one to point it out.
There's been a change in my personality, in my thoughts and mood. I've become angry, hateful of things for no reason, impatient with people, and more often than not a generally unpleasant person. I don't know when the change started, though I have my suspicions. But regardless of when or why it happened, I don't like who I've become. I don't think a lot of people I've met in the last few years since I suspect the change started have really liked me, and I can't say I'm surprised.
I used to worry about the fact that I never got angry. Part of me feared that maybe I was repressing it all or keeping it bottled up inside, and that it would one day explode in some fit of rage years later. As I've thought about it, as The Captain seemed to concur, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I started to let the anger in because of Missy.
I really don't want to give her that kind of credit for affecting my life 3 years after I broke up with her, but I think there is some undeniable connection between the timing of our breakup and the beginning of the dark slide to angry Brad. So much during the last few months of our relationship did I sublimate the anger, hurt, and frustration I had towards her through either denial or internalization. When I finally realized that I was going to be miserable as long as I held on, and worked up the resolve to end our relationship, I no longer had a reason to pull my punches. I finally admitted that I was angry, I allowed myself to get angry, and I welcomed in the demon of anger for the first time in a long time.
I think that once I opened the door and let anger sleep on the couch, he started hanging out more and more. Little by little, he made himself more comfortable, more at home. He started redecorating the place, and occasionally would invite friends like resentment, spite, and irrationality over. At first the neighbors weren't complaining, so I never had reason to kick him out. But as time has passed, he's gotten too comfortable. He'll open the door in his bathrobe instead of letting the real homeowner answer the door.
Anger needs to pack his bags. He's fun to have around every now and then, but he's overstayed his welcome.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Members Only
So in the last few months, I've gotten these one-day guest membership passes to Sam's Club. My family had a Sam's Club membership years ago when my dad got a free one through work, but not really needing anything purchased in bulk my family has never actively acquired a membership. I let the first pass expire because I never had a reason to go, but last week my mom found out that Sam's had $30 Birkenstocks and thus my parents and I took advantage of the most recent coupon.
The fine print of the coupon stated that we'd have to pay a 10% non-member fee on any purchases, and so after picking up a few things we had the choice of paying the non-member fee, or paying a bit more up front to get a membership. We opted for the membership, so now I've got my own shiny new Sam's Club card.
So if you find yourself in need of a 5 Pound bucket of cheese-puffs, I'm your man. Though sadly, I have to relate that it does take more than 3 men and a Michigan/Ohio State football game to finish 5 pounds of cheese-puffs.
The fine print of the coupon stated that we'd have to pay a 10% non-member fee on any purchases, and so after picking up a few things we had the choice of paying the non-member fee, or paying a bit more up front to get a membership. We opted for the membership, so now I've got my own shiny new Sam's Club card.
So if you find yourself in need of a 5 Pound bucket of cheese-puffs, I'm your man. Though sadly, I have to relate that it does take more than 3 men and a Michigan/Ohio State football game to finish 5 pounds of cheese-puffs.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Making it Happen
On graduation Sunday I drove myself to Crisler Arena since I had to be there before my the rest of my family. Walking back to my car after Commencement I took the tassel off my cap and hung it on my rear-view mirror. I wasn't sure how long after graduation was appropriate to keep it one there, and a few weeks later I decided that I would keep it on the mirror until I got a real teaching job. It seemed like a good benchmark and statute, and I didn't think it would be on there all that long. After all the disappointment of last summer's job search, I kept the tassel hanging in my car.
Whatever symbolism there is about moving from one part of my life to the next, I'm done waiting.
I spend Wednesday morning at Kinko's making copies and putting portfolios together. I also put together a few envelopes to be mailed to school personnel offices and principals of a few of my target schools. I'm down in Chicago this weekend, hanging out with the Captain until I leave Monday morning for a job fair nearby. I've got more envelopes to mail out, and more job fairs to go to in the next few weeks.
The tassel is gone.
I'm going out there, and I'm getting a job. I took the tassel off before I left to drive down here. It's not going to be luck, or fate, or symbolism that gets it done.
Whatever symbolism there is about moving from one part of my life to the next, I'm done waiting.
I spend Wednesday morning at Kinko's making copies and putting portfolios together. I also put together a few envelopes to be mailed to school personnel offices and principals of a few of my target schools. I'm down in Chicago this weekend, hanging out with the Captain until I leave Monday morning for a job fair nearby. I've got more envelopes to mail out, and more job fairs to go to in the next few weeks.
The tassel is gone.
I'm going out there, and I'm getting a job. I took the tassel off before I left to drive down here. It's not going to be luck, or fate, or symbolism that gets it done.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Catholicism, Wow!
While I don't feel that going to church every Sunday is enough to make one a good person, I do feel like less of a good person for having not been to church in a long time. While it can't make up for months of absence, I had told myself that I was going to go to church on Easter Sunday no matter what. I told my family I was going to go, and they told me to have fun but that nobody else would be going with me. I was fine with that, having been to church by myself before. It wasn't the ideal, but I was still going to go.
Well, while out with The Captain last night, he convinced me to join his family at Mass this morning. He said that after sticking with my abdication from pop through Lent, I might as well finish it going to a Catholic church for Easter. I was game, and so this morning I went to my first Mass.
In many respects, it really was not that different from a Protestant service. The building was very similar to my own church, the most notable differences being the holy water and pews. Some of the hymns were most likely being sung at the same time just down the street at my church, and many of the responses were the same. That is, until we got to Communion.
Not being baptized or confirmed in the Catholic Church, I knew I'd be sitting the actual sacrament out. But even knowing that, it was a bit overwhelming to see everyone around me quoting the long and numerous responses during the Eucharist. So I sat there, watching a few others doing the same.
I may or may not actually be a better person for going this morning, but I still feel good for having gone. I had not realized that Easter marks the first day of the new year for the Church, but I can understand why. There seems to be a renewed sense of hope and possibility in the air, and I thank God for that.
Well, while out with The Captain last night, he convinced me to join his family at Mass this morning. He said that after sticking with my abdication from pop through Lent, I might as well finish it going to a Catholic church for Easter. I was game, and so this morning I went to my first Mass.
In many respects, it really was not that different from a Protestant service. The building was very similar to my own church, the most notable differences being the holy water and pews. Some of the hymns were most likely being sung at the same time just down the street at my church, and many of the responses were the same. That is, until we got to Communion.
Not being baptized or confirmed in the Catholic Church, I knew I'd be sitting the actual sacrament out. But even knowing that, it was a bit overwhelming to see everyone around me quoting the long and numerous responses during the Eucharist. So I sat there, watching a few others doing the same.
I may or may not actually be a better person for going this morning, but I still feel good for having gone. I had not realized that Easter marks the first day of the new year for the Church, but I can understand why. There seems to be a renewed sense of hope and possibility in the air, and I thank God for that.
Monday, March 21, 2005
The (latest) one that got away...
I got out of work at 9:00 Saturday night, and found a voicemail from my brother waiting for me. Having kicked off the festivities earlier in the evening, he was calling to tell me he was having a party at his house in East Lansing. Not having anything to do that night, or the next day, I figured I might as well just hop in the car and go.
As far as house parties go, it was a good show. Not too many random undesirables that you feel crowded, but more than enough people to make things worthwhile. In addition to my brother I chatted with a few other guys I knew, and it was a good time. At some point, as more people showed up, I somehow managed to strike up a conversation with a stunning girl who had caught my attention the moment she arrived. I had just started my third Guinness, which I guess is just enough to get me loosened up without yet hinting at the unfortunate specter of Drunk Brad.
Right off the bat it becomes known that this girl is an alumnus as well, and so I feel absolutely no trepidation about flirting with her. I was able to keep her engaged without saying anything stupid, doing anything awkward, and did not otherwise bore her or embarrass myself. I even have independent confirmation that she did, in fact, seem interested in me.
And just as suddenly and inexplicably as our conversation began, it ended. The police had made a brief appearance outside, the keg ran out, and apparently the group she came with was moving on to greener pastures. Just as I realized she was leaving, she was already gone. Did I have a chance and miss it? Was the opportunity never really there? Did I miss my cue to formally propose a one night stand? How does one negotiate "going somewhere more private" when you don't have a place of your own to go?
Comments?
- Malis, stop snickering.
- Jon, play 6 degrees and figure out who that girl was.
- Watergirl, as the only female who I know reads this blog, your perspective is always appreciated.
As far as house parties go, it was a good show. Not too many random undesirables that you feel crowded, but more than enough people to make things worthwhile. In addition to my brother I chatted with a few other guys I knew, and it was a good time. At some point, as more people showed up, I somehow managed to strike up a conversation with a stunning girl who had caught my attention the moment she arrived. I had just started my third Guinness, which I guess is just enough to get me loosened up without yet hinting at the unfortunate specter of Drunk Brad.
Right off the bat it becomes known that this girl is an alumnus as well, and so I feel absolutely no trepidation about flirting with her. I was able to keep her engaged without saying anything stupid, doing anything awkward, and did not otherwise bore her or embarrass myself. I even have independent confirmation that she did, in fact, seem interested in me.
And just as suddenly and inexplicably as our conversation began, it ended. The police had made a brief appearance outside, the keg ran out, and apparently the group she came with was moving on to greener pastures. Just as I realized she was leaving, she was already gone. Did I have a chance and miss it? Was the opportunity never really there? Did I miss my cue to formally propose a one night stand? How does one negotiate "going somewhere more private" when you don't have a place of your own to go?
Comments?
- Malis, stop snickering.
- Jon, play 6 degrees and figure out who that girl was.
- Watergirl, as the only female who I know reads this blog, your perspective is always appreciated.
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