Shout Outs (a week late)

They're about a week past due, but I just wanted to share a few quick thanks to my friends and family for their help in my job search two weeks ago. I was on the road for a week across Michigan and Illinois, and they made the trip more enjoyable.

Jon - Thanks for the futon, student ID, and parking pass. From what I heard from others inside, I probably saved $30 in admission and parking fees. Buffalo Wild Wings and Sin City were fun, and I'm looking forward to doing it again for Revenge of the Sith.

Dave and Tracey - It was just good to see you guys again for a bit. Thanks for indulging me in my need for Palio's and Red Hot Lover's... so good.

The Captain - For once again providing shelter in the 'burbs. Hopefully I'll have a need for the Aero bed again in the near future...

And for all who supported me through spiritual or metaphysical means, I thank you too. Now let's just hope it wasn't for naught.

Kicking My Own Ass

I have absolutely no self-discipline when it comes to time management right now. I haven't had a reason to in months. There's been no sense of urgency to anything I've done in far longer than I care to think about. Nonetheless, I have recently been trying to set deadlines and goals for myself in an effort to reestablish some semblance of control.

My current situation is not who I am, so it's time to reassert my influence upon the world around me instead of letting circumstance dictate how I live my life.

As such, tomorrow I am going to send application information to Rockford, York, and Indian Prairie Public Schools. I'm also going to return the message the Kalamazoo research clinic left me about upcoming studies.

My fortune cookie today said "Happy news is on its way to you." Cookie don't fail me now...

Jerry Garcia is Dead, Get Over It...

If you went out of your way to smoke pot today and talk all about it and how it's 4/20 and that people are supposed to care, you're a fucking tool and I hate you.

I was trying to work past my anger and not feel hatred towards anything for a couple days, but then April 20th had to roll around. I have no strong feelings against smoking pot, but After living in Ann Arbor for 5 years I have no patience for wannabe-hippie burnout losers who have nothing better to do than talk about getting stoned.

Wrestling With My Demons

I have some serious introspection going on inside, and I've got a lot to write about in regard to it. Problem is, I can barely articulate it to myself. I've got this feeling, this notion, and a lot of questions that can't seem to make it the transition from my mind to the outside world. It's a demon that's found comfort in the darkness I've allowed for it to exist in, and now I'm trying to drag it out into the light.

Last week one of the girls at The Gap said that I was an Angry S.O.B. Had it been one of the high school girls I would have paid it no mind, but since it was one of the few older employees close to my age, it gave me pause. I couldn't dispute her. And worse, it's not like she's the first one to point it out.

There's been a change in my personality, in my thoughts and mood. I've become angry, hateful of things for no reason, impatient with people, and more often than not a generally unpleasant person. I don't know when the change started, though I have my suspicions. But regardless of when or why it happened, I don't like who I've become. I don't think a lot of people I've met in the last few years since I suspect the change started have really liked me, and I can't say I'm surprised.

I used to worry about the fact that I never got angry. Part of me feared that maybe I was repressing it all or keeping it bottled up inside, and that it would one day explode in some fit of rage years later. As I've thought about it, as The Captain seemed to concur, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I started to let the anger in because of Missy.

I really don't want to give her that kind of credit for affecting my life 3 years after I broke up with her, but I think there is some undeniable connection between the timing of our breakup and the beginning of the dark slide to angry Brad. So much during the last few months of our relationship did I sublimate the anger, hurt, and frustration I had towards her through either denial or internalization. When I finally realized that I was going to be miserable as long as I held on, and worked up the resolve to end our relationship, I no longer had a reason to pull my punches. I finally admitted that I was angry, I allowed myself to get angry, and I welcomed in the demon of anger for the first time in a long time.

I think that once I opened the door and let anger sleep on the couch, he started hanging out more and more. Little by little, he made himself more comfortable, more at home. He started redecorating the place, and occasionally would invite friends like resentment, spite, and irrationality over. At first the neighbors weren't complaining, so I never had reason to kick him out. But as time has passed, he's gotten too comfortable. He'll open the door in his bathrobe instead of letting the real homeowner answer the door.

Anger needs to pack his bags. He's fun to have around every now and then, but he's overstayed his welcome.

Members Only

So in the last few months, I've gotten these one-day guest membership passes to Sam's Club. My family had a Sam's Club membership years ago when my dad got a free one through work, but not really needing anything purchased in bulk my family has never actively acquired a membership. I let the first pass expire because I never had a reason to go, but last week my mom found out that Sam's had $30 Birkenstocks and thus my parents and I took advantage of the most recent coupon.

The fine print of the coupon stated that we'd have to pay a 10% non-member fee on any purchases, and so after picking up a few things we had the choice of paying the non-member fee, or paying a bit more up front to get a membership. We opted for the membership, so now I've got my own shiny new Sam's Club card.

So if you find yourself in need of a 5 Pound bucket of cheese-puffs, I'm your man. Though sadly, I have to relate that it does take more than 3 men and a Michigan/Ohio State football game to finish 5 pounds of cheese-puffs.

Making it Happen

On graduation Sunday I drove myself to Crisler Arena since I had to be there before my the rest of my family. Walking back to my car after Commencement I took the tassel off my cap and hung it on my rear-view mirror. I wasn't sure how long after graduation was appropriate to keep it one there, and a few weeks later I decided that I would keep it on the mirror until I got a real teaching job. It seemed like a good benchmark and statute, and I didn't think it would be on there all that long. After all the disappointment of last summer's job search, I kept the tassel hanging in my car.

Whatever symbolism there is about moving from one part of my life to the next, I'm done waiting.

I spend Wednesday morning at Kinko's making copies and putting portfolios together. I also put together a few envelopes to be mailed to school personnel offices and principals of a few of my target schools. I'm down in Chicago this weekend, hanging out with the Captain until I leave Monday morning for a job fair nearby. I've got more envelopes to mail out, and more job fairs to go to in the next few weeks.

The tassel is gone.

I'm going out there, and I'm getting a job. I took the tassel off before I left to drive down here. It's not going to be luck, or fate, or symbolism that gets it done.

Catholicism, Wow!

While I don't feel that going to church every Sunday is enough to make one a good person, I do feel like less of a good person for having not been to church in a long time. While it can't make up for months of absence, I had told myself that I was going to go to church on Easter Sunday no matter what. I told my family I was going to go, and they told me to have fun but that nobody else would be going with me. I was fine with that, having been to church by myself before. It wasn't the ideal, but I was still going to go.

Well, while out with The Captain last night, he convinced me to join his family at Mass this morning. He said that after sticking with my abdication from pop through Lent, I might as well finish it going to a Catholic church for Easter. I was game, and so this morning I went to my first Mass.

In many respects, it really was not that different from a Protestant service. The building was very similar to my own church, the most notable differences being the holy water and pews. Some of the hymns were most likely being sung at the same time just down the street at my church, and many of the responses were the same. That is, until we got to Communion.

Not being baptized or confirmed in the Catholic Church, I knew I'd be sitting the actual sacrament out. But even knowing that, it was a bit overwhelming to see everyone around me quoting the long and numerous responses during the Eucharist. So I sat there, watching a few others doing the same.

I may or may not actually be a better person for going this morning, but I still feel good for having gone. I had not realized that Easter marks the first day of the new year for the Church, but I can understand why. There seems to be a renewed sense of hope and possibility in the air, and I thank God for that.

The (latest) one that got away...

I got out of work at 9:00 Saturday night, and found a voicemail from my brother waiting for me. Having kicked off the festivities earlier in the evening, he was calling to tell me he was having a party at his house in East Lansing. Not having anything to do that night, or the next day, I figured I might as well just hop in the car and go.

As far as house parties go, it was a good show. Not too many random undesirables that you feel crowded, but more than enough people to make things worthwhile. In addition to my brother I chatted with a few other guys I knew, and it was a good time. At some point, as more people showed up, I somehow managed to strike up a conversation with a stunning girl who had caught my attention the moment she arrived. I had just started my third Guinness, which I guess is just enough to get me loosened up without yet hinting at the unfortunate specter of Drunk Brad.

Right off the bat it becomes known that this girl is an alumnus as well, and so I feel absolutely no trepidation about flirting with her. I was able to keep her engaged without saying anything stupid, doing anything awkward, and did not otherwise bore her or embarrass myself. I even have independent confirmation that she did, in fact, seem interested in me.

And just as suddenly and inexplicably as our conversation began, it ended. The police had made a brief appearance outside, the keg ran out, and apparently the group she came with was moving on to greener pastures. Just as I realized she was leaving, she was already gone. Did I have a chance and miss it? Was the opportunity never really there? Did I miss my cue to formally propose a one night stand? How does one negotiate "going somewhere more private" when you don't have a place of your own to go?

Comments?
- Malis, stop snickering.
- Jon, play 6 degrees and figure out who that girl was.
- Watergirl, as the only female who I know reads this blog, your perspective is always appreciated.

Change of Plans

The future seems so much easier when it's in front of you instead of all around you. During my student teaching, I thought I'd just fall into a job at Saline High School. I was liked there, another social studies teacher was retiring, and they were opening a new school in the fall. It seemed easy. After I graduated, I fell into a long term substitute gig at Plymouth High School, which again promised me there would be openings in the fall. I had two schools all lined up, and I wasn't worried. Sure, I still sent out a resume here and there, but I didn't expect any trouble.

Come the end of August, my phone wasn't ringing. All those throw-away applications I had sent out just in case became all the hope I had to cling to, and that eventually faded. Which brought me back home, to the life you all have read about here for many months.

I did not send any resumes out of state last summer. I wanted to stay in Michigan, and I refused to entertain other possibilities. After accepting the reality of Michigan's economy, I started to allow for the possibility of moving to another state to enter my plans. Taking a look at the map, I picked a few states that I thought I would feel at home in, and starting looking towards them for the fall.

And now, the focus has shifted again.

With The Captain taking a job in a suburb about an hour south of Chicago, I am now hoping to be a resident of Illinois in a few months. It's got all the Midwestern charm that I love. It's got about a dozen schools within spitting distance. I'd have a roommate to help (well, it's more like I'd be helping him) cut down on the cost of living, and to stave off isolation and boredom.

What does the future hold? If all goes well, a teaching job in DuPage County, Illinois. I've got paperwork being processed by the State of Illinois, and a job fair down there to look forward to in a few weeks. Tomorrow I'm picking up a copy of the Chicago Tribune because it's supposed to have their annual Educator Job section in it.

I won't take things so lightly this time around. If you're a principal within 100 miles of Lilse, IL, expect a letter from me. Maybe two. And a phone call. Maybe a fax. E-mail. Carrier pigeon. Singing telegram. Skywriting. And my personal favorite, a horse's head in your bed.

Dressin' Sharp

I love wearing a suit.

West Ottawa's in-house job fair was this Saturday, and such on occasion warrants wearing my suit. I don't get a chance to wear it that often, but I wish I did. Aside from looking professional and all that, I just feel more confident while I'm wearing it. With all the job fairs coming up in April, I should get some more chances to do so. If I had a picture, I'd post it up here. But trust me when I say, I clean up good.

Did I Miss Something?

So, after all the months of people talking about how great Napoleon Dynamite is, I finally got a hold of it watched it.

What a piece of shit.

I can't stand to even look at the guy who plays Napoleon. I hated every single one of the actors in the movie. I wanted to stop watching after about half an hour, but suffered through it. I want that hour and 35 minutes of my life back.

If someone can please explain to me what it was I was supposed to appreciate about this movie, please let me know.

I'm a Lazy Bastard

I realize I haven't blogged in over a week. Have I been caught up in a whirlwind of activity? Not quite. My blog, just like so many other things, has simply fallen victim to my laziness. Why do today what you can put off another three or four days?

I can't say that anything eventful has happened since I last posted. I've gone to work at the Gap, sold a few things on eBay, and have generally been waiting for life to happen to me. I did get a good lunch courtesy of The Flying Dutchman, and hearing from him about the West Ottawa job fair next weekend has given me a less distant date to look forward to.

I'm going back to Kalamazoo on Sunday for a new study, though not in the same format as the last one. It's only a three day hitch, repeated over three weeks. So, $1500 for nine days of lab ratting seems like a good deal to me.

Weird Day

I really do enjoy writing, the problem being that I more often than not find myself without anything to write about. I imagine that if put into a position where more writing were demanded of me, I would become a faster and more prolific writer. Well this morning I found myself coming up with things to write, but no time to do it. I spent the afternoon at the Gap, trying to nurture the ideas and keep them alive long enough to see the creative light of day once I got home. Luckily, I didn't lose them, and have since spent the evening in the rather enjoyable pursuit of actually writing.

Today's shift at the Gap wasn't anything unusual, except for a few comments made as I was leaving. The manager on duty was off in another part of the store, and so when my shift was ending I gave him a quick sitrep (situation report - I watch too many military related things) over our headsets. Apparently what I thought was just a standard list of things to do impressed the younger employees that were there, and two different individuals commented that I should be a manager based on my display of competence. They didn't put it in those terms, but apparently basic competence at one's job is all that they think is necessary for a managerial position.

Hey, if I could get paid a manager's salary without any commitment to stay there once a teaching offer comes along, I'd take it. Somehow I doubt they'd invest in a manager who may only be there for 4 more months.

No Refills

Not being Catholic, I've never really known what to do with Lent. Sure, we Protestants keep track of the 40 days and 40 nights leading up to Easter, but not to the same degree as Catholics. Growing up Methodist, I honestly don't know if we're supposed to observe the same sort of restraint and denial during the Lenten season. I know the parallels to Jesus' time spent in the desert have been mentioned during Lenten services, but I don't remember any guidelines being laid down for expectations during Lent. Really, everything I know about not eating meat on Fridays and making sacrifices during Lent has come second hand from Catholic friends rather than from a sermon.

That being said, I've decided to give up pop for Lent. Not being an overly hedonistic individual, I've never had an overwhelming vice to get rid of. Sitting at IHOP with Joe, giving up pop seems like one of the most beneficial things I could do. I don't drink a lot, but it is a very habitual thing that will take vigilance to adhere to. As a corollary to giving something bad up, I'm also going to try some self-improvement by rededicating my efforts to go to the gym. I say right now that I don't know if I can make the same sort of promise on this as I can for giving up pop, but it's on the agenda nonetheless.

Red Pill or Blue Pill

No matter what happens in life, you've only ever really got two options. Whether it's the most mundane task or a matter of life or death, you've got what you choose to do and what you didn't do. Right or left. Chocolate or vanilla. Right or wrong.

Whatever sequence of decisions, good or bad, has led me here is not the point. I'm here, in the same state I've been in for months, and as of yet the alternate option has not yet presented itself. All the opportunities I tried to create dissolved, crashed and burned on the runway, and suffice to say did not change the situation. Right now my options are to succumb to depression and disillusionment, or laugh at myself and press on.

Happy or sad.

Fight or flight.

Coke or Pepsi.

Make no mistake, I am angry and frustrated to no end about still being home and having no options but to substitute and keep working at the Gap. Crappy jobs or no jobs. Small paychecks or no paychecks. It's what I've got to work with, and so I'm trying to just plug away and get ready to strike at the next opportunity I can either find or make. All I can do is nurture the hope that there is hope.

Hope or despair.

Half empty or half full.

Paper or plastic.

It may be that I've become numb to it all. This may be what going mad feels like. But as down as I get, have gotten, and will still get in the next few months, I do still get excited about Job Fairs in April, and getting letters out to schools in other states this spring.

Stay or go.

Here or there.

For better or worse.

I'll keep on keeping on. Trying to find something positive, something that if it doesn't make me happy, at least makes me less depressed each day.

Because remember, monkeys are funny.


Red Pill or Blue Pill

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck

Fuck UPN.

Fuck Paramount Pictures.

Fuck Les Moonves.

It was officially announced today that at the end of this season, Star Trek: Enterprise has been canceled.

You may think I'm overreacting. While I may not serve jury duty wearing a Starfleet uniform, and can't speak Klingon, Star Trek has always been a part of my life. I watched reruns of the original series with my dad before I could sit up on my own. Unlike the finite existence of Star Wars, where there could really only ever be 6 movies, there has been new Star Trek without pause for the last 19 years. Star Trek IV: The Voayage Home premiered in 1986, and in 2005 Star Trek: Enterprise is in its 4th season. But there will be no 5th season. There may never be Star Trek again.

I took Enterprise for granted. I did not fully embrace it from the beginning, and I feel guilty for that. I watched the series premire, and then missed a lot of episodes during the first season. I eventually caught up through encores and TLAM's VHS library, but did not become a dedicated viewer until the 2nd season. During the 3rd season, it became known that the series' future was in question, and the Save Enterprise project was born. I quickly joined the forum and e-mail group, and began writing letters to the network executives in order to being the show back for a 4th season. We succeeded last year, and the current 4th season may be the best yet. Knowing that a full 7 year run was by no means guaranteed, the campaign continued this year to ensure a 5th season and beyond. Today marks the darkest hour in that struggle.

There is still a chance, however slim, that another network could pick the show up. There have been quite a few science fiction shows in the last few years that were cancelled, and then brought back for new episodes on another channel. I'm sure that this will be the new goal of the Save Enterprise campaign. But as much as I can hope for a miracle, there is the very real possibility that Paramount will not allow it. The odds are against us, and the situation is grim.


Enterprise NX-01

Cruel Fate! Why do you taunt me?!?!?!?

Working the cash register at the Gap tonight, I saw the cutest girl I have seen in a long long time. If I could have taken a picture, I would have used it as reference to answer the question of "What kind of girl are you looking for?" She wasn't there with her boyfriend. She wasn't there with her husband. She stood like two feet away from me, and all I could do was ring up her stuff and watch her walk away.

There's nothing I can do in that situation. She's the customer, I'm the employee. At best I'm the cute guy at the Gap, at worst I'm a loser who's working there when he's 23.

Kobayashi Maru.

Can I get some children's chewable morphine?

I don't admit to being sick, and really am not sick very often. If I do feel less than 100%, I don't let it stop me from doing anything. I hate people who back out of things because "they're sick". Get over it. If I can get out of bed and go through the day without throwing up, I'm not sick.

Nonetheless, for the last few days, I've had a stuffy and sometimes runny nose. I went through what was left of a bottle of Walgreens brand Dayquill, and bought of bottle of Walgreens Nyquill that I have since polished off. Maybe I didn't follow the recommended dosing closely enough. In fact, after taking two doses of Nyquill the night before and a dose of Dayquill in the morning, I think I may have been drunk at the Gap a couple days ago. And right now as either part of the same "head cold" or as a separate symptom, I have a headache.

Not being a fan of science or doctors, and being prone to hasty and irrational arguments, I have therefore theorized that mucus is in fact crushing my brain. If I don't blow my nose, I believe there stands a good chance that my head will implode.

Nothing in particular

I woke up at 5:17 this morning. There was no reason for me to, I wasn't working at the Gap until noon. And yet in this brief moment somewhere between sleep and consciousness, I remember thinking to myself that I should be getting up at 5:17. I am not a morning person. As anyone who has lived with me knows, if left to my own devices, I may not get out of bed until 1:00 in the afternoon. And yet, I would love to have to get up at 5:17 in the morning, because that would mean that I have a classroom to be in that morning.

But I didn't, so I went back to bed until 10:30.

Today wasn't really that great a day. Nothing particularly great happened. But it still felt like a good day. Maybe I'm just bipolar, or maybe I've finally just lost my mind.

Who the Hell is Seymour Hersh?

Here's more crazy conspiracy theories from the media that in no way has any sort of liberal bias.

I'm a bit conflicted on this particular foreign policy issue. On the one hand, I fully believe that the radical Theocracy that serves as government in Iran needs to be totally stripped of any nuclear capability, and eventually removed from power. On the other hand, I worry about our forces being spread too thin. But wherever you may fall on that particular issue, there is a more fundamental problem at hand. Hersh says his reporting is done "in the hope that publicity would force the administration to reconsider."

I'm sorry, since when was it the job of the media to effect the change or creation of policy? When and if I ever get a government class to teach, I guess I'm screwed. I've never heard of the 4th branch of government that checks everything without any sort of balance, so there goes my Division of Powers lesson.

Whether you believe it or not, the CIA and Department of Defense are both made of up professionals who have dedicated their lives to being experts on every imaginable aspect of foreign policy. Despite what journalists like Hersh would have you believe, the government is not being run by members of President Bush's old college fraternity. So when there are plans for intelligence gathering and reconnaissance missions, don't assume that because you watch CBS News and a few Mikhail Moore movies that you can be a fucking armchair Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.