What made NC suck so much?

So, after talking to everyone this week I have recieved a number of questions and comments regarding my ghost-like status. I can't argue against it - this is the first time I have e-mailed, blogged, or been on instant messanger in months.

Aside from the Captain and my parents, I haven't really talked to anyone since I was home for Christmas. I called my brother and talked to him after GVSU called, and I think that's the first time I had talked with my own brother since the holidays.

The only thing that's kept me going through this school year has been the other 1st year teachers I work with. Just yesterday we were talking about the way things are at school, and what it really came down to is that we are all just so constantly angry because of our students that it's poisoning our souls. We have zero support from the administration, mentors that are only working on paper to get the extra pay, and a school full students that are doing everything they can to make our jobs that much harder.

What made NC suck so much? The students. All of my school of education classes, student teaching, and other ideas of what teaching would be were totally shattered by these kids. Their only aspirations are to turn 16 so they can drop out. Students are regularly absent 2 or 3 days a week, and when they are there they either sleep through class or cause disruptions like its a zoo. They never stop talking, which includes talking back to the teachers. All they want to do is talk with their friends or get up in the middle of class and start singing and dancing to the latest hip hop song full of graphic sexual implications.

These students don't deserve to be in high school. Out of the 230 odd students in the freshmen class we teach, at least 80 should not have left the 8th grade because they did not pass their classes. But the middle school was so desperate to get rid of them that they shipped them up to us anyway. And because they've been promoted to every higher grade up to this point, they still believe they will be sophomores next year even though they've failed all their classes. And of course failing those classes has nothing to do with never turning in homework, not studying, or talking through every lesson. It's all because our classes are boring and we're bad teachers.

Add on top of all that the fact that all of my friends and family are 800 miles away, the weather is always warm, and the lack of anything resembling culture down here, and I think that about tells the tale. Like I said, there's a group of us young teachers that have bonded together to help each other through. But if you look at that group, it's further proof that none of us belong here. I'm from Michigan, one guy's from Ohio, another from Massachusetts, 2 from Pennsylvania, another guy from Michigan... we're all displaced northerners who only ended up in North Carolina because nobody else wants to deal with these kids.

I just want to feel like myself again. This job has just drained me mentally, physically, and emotionally, and the only thing that it has given me to refill what it's taken is frustration, anger, and disappointment.

Whew... that was a hell of a rant.

I can barely articulate how much I am looking forward to going back to college, and moving back to Michigan. I never wanted to leave in the first place, but I had no other options. I think this graduate program is exactly what I am looking for, and it couldn't have come together more perfectly. I don't yet know when I'll be moving back to Michigan - that will depend on which residence hall I'm placed in at GVSU. I know it will be sometime before July 31, since that's the first day of our training.

I'll be coming home next year

No, your eyes don't deceive you... it actually is me blogging.

I don't think it's any surprise that I have hated my time here in North Carolina. My job and my general state of being during the past year have left me in a state of depression and apathy, and as a result I just never had the motivation to keep up with things like human contact.

But, all that will soon change...

This summer I too will take my place among that free-loading lot known as graduate students.

I have just been awarded a graduate assistantship for a master's program at Grand Valley in College Student Affairs and Leadership. "What the hell is that?" you ask. Basically, it's a program designed to prepare one for such positions as academic advisors, residence hall directors, and so on at a college or university.

Basically, it is the sweetest package ever. GVSU is going to pay my tuition, even given my current North Carolina residency. Since I'll be working in a residence hall, GVSU is also paying for my housing (a 1 bedroom apartment in the residence hall), a meal plan, and a stipend.

So, at some point this July, I will once again be a Michigan resident in either Allendale or Grand Rapids.

Shout Out to the Captain

I was just trying to get my sea legs back in the last post, that's why I didn't go into specifics about the events and misadventures of Christmas break.

More to come later...

The Blog Shall Not Perish From the Earth

Alright, time to get back on the wagon.

I waste so much of my precious free time just sitting around or checking and rechecking the same webpages for updates and news, and I've got no excuse for not keeping the blog up to date. This neglected space is sometimes the only way people know that I'm still alive and kicking, and I've let it flatline again and again.

CLEAR!

Christmas break wasn't long enough. The time spent back in Holland was a bittersweet reunion, with just enough time spent with people to have a good time but not enough to get rid of the feeling of missing everyone. The fact that I had to get in the car and drive 15 hours back to North Carolina put a bit of a damper on New Year's because I didn't have the luxury of a day to recover and thus had to restrain my celebration.

The other casualty of the break's brevity was that as soon as I got back to work all of the baggage and stress came right back at me. Our schedule was such that we left for Christmas and then came back for one week of classes before final exams. Last year the school finished exams before Christmas, but that's because they started the semester in the middle of August instead of the end. Which is best? Dunno.

But, any complaints notwithstanding, it was good to be home and good to see everyone that I got a chance to.

Come back again soon.

I'll be Home for Christmas

So once again, it's been a month and a half since my last post.

Suffice to say it's been a long month and a half.

There are scores of articles and essays and studies that people have cited for me that describe the life of a first year teacher as nothing but survival mode. So how an I doing? I'm surviving, and I can't claim much more than that. I'm ready for Christmas break.

Friday begins the crazy roadtrip adventure with The Captain. Somewhere there is a bank ledger that has a tally of everything I owe him, and I just hope the mafia's not involved when it comes time to repay him. It's going to be 15 hours of Red Bull, nicotine, caffeine, fast food, and enough mix CDs to keep us going.

It's All Your Fault Mom and Dad... :-)

I'm sitting here on Sunday morning with an undeniable need to make coffee and then go buy a newspaper and donuts. It just seems like the natural order of things, and I must obey.

Calling You Out

Hey - no fair. You can't just leave a comment with no way for me to respond to you.

Happy Halloween

Not a long post, but hopefully just enough to get things going again.

I haven't taken the time lately to remind myself of all those out there who still care, so this is my shout out to you. I've spent the last few months out of place, over my head, and in need of some grounding in the familiar. Blogging has just been one casualty of the feeling that I have no time for anything right now.

So how have you been?

In a nutshell I am in a constant state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. I have been pushing myself harder and further than I can ever remember, and I feel like I'm just breaking even. Is it better than subbing and working at the Gap? You're damn right. I just wish I would have prepared myself a little more for just how much I was getting myself into.

Everyone told me your first year would be like this, and I didn't believe them. I filled myself with a false sense of comfort and security based on my experiences and expectations in student teaching and long term subbing. But no practice in the world can really equal game time.

I miss you guys. The ones who still read this in spite of my negligence, and the many who stopped reading long ago. I can't blame you. I got lazy, but it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it.

Finally an Update

I've had a few people who still actually read my blog tell me they've been looking for updates. Well, I've been planning to get back on the old blog, but this is the first time I've set aside the time to do it.

I'm sitting here in my living room, typing in between breaks while watching the Michigan - Notre Dame game. Last week's game wasn't televised here, but I guess this game is big enough to be the nationally covered one on ABC. A little piece of home...

I've been down here over a month now haven't I?

Really, I haven't had time to be lonely. I'll call home or call friends when I have some time, and I forget that they're 800 miles away. Aside from how hot it still is and the few really strong southern accents I run into every now and then, I forget sometimes that I live in North Carolina. I look around and realize it's different from Holland or Ann Arbor, but I have to take a minute to remind myself that it's halfway across the country.

A month down in North Carolina, two and a half weeks of school finished, and I haven't yet had that feeling like I've made some sort of horrible mistake. Then again, I didn't really have any other options, did I?

For the most part, I like it down here. The new Target and Best Buy are open, so lack of Meijer notwithstanding I've got all the comforts of home within reach. The people I work with at school are great - the administration and other teachers are the same sort of friendly and helpful people that made my student teaching at Saline so great. The students in my classes.... Well, it's getting better.

No matter where I would have ended up, everyone told me that this first year would be the hardest work I've ever done. Having never taught World History, I'm coming up with everything from scratch. Sure I've got a book and some resources, but that just gives me and idea of what I should teach. I have the basic calendar for the semester figured out - the entire history of Human civilization from Mesopotamia to the War on Terror in 18 weeks. But as far as how to teach it - that's the part that takes so many hours to figure out. Getting 14 year olds to pay attention to the history of something that happened 3000 years ago for 90 minutes at a time is almost impossible and I need to make it look easy.

My 4th hour has been the only one to really test me so far (knock on wood). It's all freshmen, right after lunch, and right before they go home. They're just squirrelly as all hell, and I have to constantly ride them about being on task in order to get through the hour. It's slowly and very incrementally getting better, so I just have to keep at it. I suppose it's reassuring that I hear across the school how everyone's 4th hour is like this, but it's still frustrating.

I've also uploaded here a few pictures of my apartment. After I got some money I was finally able to pick up a few things to make it more of a home - lamps, sheets, kitchen table, plants, etc. I still need a few things like DVD and CD storage, but those will have to wait until the next paycheck.

Pictures of My Apartment

Living Room

Living Room

Plant!

Office

Office

Kitchen

Guest Bathroom

Master Bedroom

Master Bathroom

Closet

Welcome to the New South

Yes, I know I've used the same Less Than Jake song title at least 3 times now.

And yes, I know it's been like a month since I blogged.

Those things aside, I'm going to get back on the horse here.

I'm sure nobody, myself included, expected me to be the one to move halfway across the country after graduation. I hate change. I love the familiar. And yet, here I sit, 800 miles from any friends or family.

July 1981 - May 1986: Arlington, Texas
May 1986 - April 1995: Lake St. Louis, Missouri
April 1995 - August 1999: Holland, Michigan
August 1999 - August 2004: Ann Arbor, Michigan
August 2004 - August 2005: Holland, Michigan
August 2005 - ?: Graham, North Carolina

Last August I was supposed to move to Plymouth, Saline, Okemos, or some other school district in Michigan. Instead I returned home broken and defeated, unemployable for a year. I knew I needed to expand my search for this year, and when the Captain relocated to Chi-Town it made perfect sense. Far enough away to have a better job market than Michigan, close enough to home. And having your best friend either down the hall or across town might be nice.

Nada.

After hearing nothing from March to June I initiated the emergency back-up plan to apply in North Carolina. I figured I could just keep it in my back pocket as I waited for schools in Illinois to get their act together. In short order it went from emergency contingency to viable option to only option.

And here I sit.

Before you make assumptions and jump to conclusions, I'm not feeling bitter and dejected right now. So far the places I've been and the people I've met down here have all been great. Going to the school and meeting some of the other teachers I'm going to work with, I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time.

I really am feeling good about things right now. Thanks to The Captain's insistence I have a new X-Box to keep me occupied, but if my orientation days are any indication of what's to come during the school year I think keeping busy is going to be the least of my worries.

I haven't freaked out yet. I haven't spent the evening rocking myself back and forth in a corner as I come to the realization that I am totally alone and totally out of place down here. I don't know when that will happen. I may still be in shock just from the overwhelming amount of change that's happened in the last week.

All I know is that right now, despite it all, I'm hopeful and optimistic about what's to come. I'm not miserable, and right now that's a good start.

Fuck you Atlanta

My trip down to North Carolina was way too easy, and the trip back more than made up for it by being a fucking disaster. Apparently a few raindrops in Atlanta causes the entire airline system to shut down. The downside of a good deal on airfare is that I didn't get a direct flight from North Carolina to Chicago. I had to fly to Atlanta for a layover, and that's where it all went to hell.

My 6:40 flight to Atlanta didn't leave until about 9:45. My connecting flight was delayed as well, so I still technically had enough time to land in Atlanta and make my flight to Chicago. That is until I spent an hour and a half sitting on the tarmac waiting to pull in to the gate in Atlanta. When I finally got to the terminal there was one flight left that was going to O'Hare that night, and the guy at the counter basically told me I was fucked for trying to get on it.

Once again, fuck the city of Atlanta, and an extra-special "Fuck You" to the Atlanta airport and its employees. Supposedly they had booked every hotel room in the greater Atlanta area, and told us that because it was a weather related problem and not a problem with the airline itself, they had no obligation to do anything but bend us over and fuck us. And so like refugees, there were about 200 of us who slept on the floor and various benches of the airport until the ticket counters reopened in the morning.

Luckily I was able to get onto a 7:00 flight in the morning instead of waiting for the 4:00 PM flight that they put me on the night before. They bumped me up to 1st class, which is the least they could have done, and because I could I had a gin and tonic at 7:30 in the morning.

Time to Go to Work

I started Thursday morning in North Carolina with a complimentary breakfast at a restaurant next to the hotel. I was expecting bagels and muffins and such, but I got my first taste of culture shock going from North to South. Apparently biscuits are served in some form for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I went to the high school around 10 to meet with the principal, not sure if it was a second interview or just a meet and greet. After talking to her for about 2 minutes it was clear that I already had the job, and that I was just there to take a tour and seal the deal.

I am going to be teaching World History to 9th graders, and it sounds like they've got a lot of programs in place really focusing on the transition from middle school to high school. All of the freshman classes are in the same hallway, and that little part of the school is the "Freshman Academy". There's another new World History teacher, and a teacher who taught World History last year is now teaching a study skills class for the freshman, and has offered to help us by sharing her lesson plans.

The principal told me that new teachers in the department start off with World History, and that the upper level classes like US History and Government were usually taught by people that had been there a bit longer. From what I've seen they don't have any psychology classes, but I know they've got some more specialized AP classes like Earth Science, so they obviously have started expanding into AP. I'll figure out for certain once I'm actually in the system, but if they don't teach AP Psych yet I'll start nagging at them to let me start the curriculum.

As far as extra-curricular activities go, the one thing I've talked to the principal about is a student literary magazine. It sounds like there's an English teacher that wants to start one, so I'm trying to get on board. I think there's a few teachers from Michigan at the school, and I know of at least one who's been nagging the principal to let him start a hockey team. As much as I love hockey I don't really know anything about it, but I'd see if he'd teach me on the job as an assistant coach or something.

A Long Strange Trip

I was going to blog while on the road but I ended up being without internet access from the time I left Wednesday morning until I got back Saturday morning. For future reference, when asking a hotel if they have internet access be specific about high-speed or wireless access. After I got settled in my room I called the front desk and asked about the internet, to which they replied "There's a phone jack in the room." And since I haven't used dial-up or any sort of ISP for almost 5 years now, I had no way to use ye olde internet while in North Carolina. So, I'm just going to change the posting day for this blog back to last Thursday, just to break things up a bit.

The trip down to North Carolina was easy, which unfortunately meant that everything went wrong on the trip home. I drove down to Chicago on Tuesday because it was like $150 cheaper to fly out of O'Hare than out of GR. I stayed with The Captain since he was gracious enough to drive me to the airport the next morning, and we came to the realization that the suburbs of Chicago were a Bizarro form of Holland. In Holland we vowed to never again go to the IHOP for fear of being stabbed (or at least made to feel disgusted of humanity) by one of the patrons there. So while in Holland, Denny's is the only viable option for late night coffee. There is no Denny's in The Captain's particular neck of the woods, but there are two in different directions on the highway. We finally decided after a history of bad service and creepy clientele that the closer Denny's is now dead to us, but there's an IHOP in town that has yet to scare us.

Anyway... got to O'Hare Wednesday morning with no difficulty because we were leaving before traffic. Once at the airport I made it through security and to my terminal in about 10 minutes, no hassle. So, I had plenty of time to start my column for The Newsletter and play Gameboy. The plane boarded and departed more or less on time, and I had plenty of time to leisurely make my connecting flight in Cincinnati.

I arrived in North Carolina without incident, and made my way to the Enterprise rental counter. I got a free upgrade (who doesn't?) from a Kia Rio to a Pontiac Sunfire. While that's not really that exciting, I was really pleased by the fact that they did not charge me the additional $40 fee for not being 25 years old.

And so, behind the wheel of my Pontiac Sunfire (I still hate Pontiacs), I made my way towards my hotel. Driving through North Carolina I actually forgot once or twice that I wasn't in Michigan. Aside from the addition of a few Waffle Houses and the lack of meager, the scenery looked like it could be any city in Michigan.

I spent most of Wednesday afternoon and into the evening just driving around, getting a feel for the area. Traffic does not exist down there. I was on the highway at 5:30, and it was nothing. In my travels I found all the staples of fast food, a new Target and Best Buy that were opening at the end of the month, and almost all of the other hallmarks of civilization. Unfortunately I had grown accustomed to the drought in Michigan, and was completely unprepared for the torrential downpour that came Wednesday night. I'm far enough inland that I won't ever be directly affected by hurricanes, but I sure caught one hell of a thunderstorm.

Time to Pack my Carpetbag

It's go time.

This week will come the deciding factor on where exactly I place my foot as I take that next step.

Wednesday morning I'm flying down to North Carolina to meet with the principal who wants to hire me. After a phone interview a few weeks ago, I called her last week to see where things stood. She said I was one of the top choices, but that the position was offered to someone else.

But that wasn't the end of the story.

Another teacher in the department was moving up to a curriculum coordinator position, and so this left a second vacancy for the same classes I had originally interviewed for. The principal told me she'd call me in a few days.

She called this morning.

She asked if I was still interested in the position, and that she wanted me to go down there this week. And so I'll most likely have a job in North Carolina by the end of the week.

But that's still not the end of the story.

Last week I also got a call from a principal at a school I had applied at in Illinois. He scheduled a phone interview for this afternoon, which went really well. The guy I interviewed with was the department chair, and a real straightforward and down to Earth guy. He said he wants this position nailed down ASAP, and that his goal was to call me tomorrow. As I said, I think things went well, so I may have a job offer in Illinois by the end of the week.

By the end of the month, I'll be a resident of either North Carolina or Illinois.

God Save the Queen

"It is through terrorism that the people that have committed this terrible act express their values... They are trying to use the slaughter of innocent people to cow us ... but they should know they will not succeed... We will show by our spirit and dignity and by our quiet but true strength that there is in the British people that our values will long outlast theirs. This is a very sad day for the British people, but we will hold true to the British way of life... We will not allow violence to change our societies or our values nor will we allow it to stop the work of this summit... We will continue our deliberations in the interest of a better world.”
~ Prime Minister Tony Blair

Didn't see that coming...

A few days ago The Last Angry Man said in reference to the "impending retirement" of Chief Justice Rehnquist:

There are only nine of these people at any one time, surely it is not beyond our abilities to pay moderate attention to two of them simultaneously.

Apparently it is beyond our abilities.

The retirement of Justice O'Connor, a spring chicken at only 75 years old, came seemingly out of left field. Given her swing-vote jurisprudence, I wonder if the same list of nominees to succeed Chief Justice Rehnquist will be used to nominate a successor to Justice O'Connor's place on the bench.

I wholeheartedly hope that the Senate and general public will agree with President Bush that "The nation also deserves a dignified process of confirmation in the United States Senate, characterized by fair treatment, a fair hearing and a fair vote."

But we all know it won't happen. The Senate is a very ugly, very childish place right now, and the entire nomination process will be turned into a partisan circus.

Ring Damn You!

Yes, I'm yelling at my cell phone.

I spent March, April, and May filling out online applications, writing cover letters, going to job fairs, and going through every possible means of applying to over 30 school districts in the suburban Chicago area.

Have any of them called me?

No.

Fuck you, Illinois.

So in June I decided it was time to get desperate, and I started applying to schools in North Carolina. Within a week I had gotten e-mails from 3 principals following up on my paperwork, and one interview over the phone. I was all excited that the myths and legends were true, and that these districts would be fighting over who got to hire me.

But what have I heard in the last week? Survey says... Nothing.

Offer me a fucking job! You've got my cell phone number, you've got my home phone number, you've got my e-mail address. Pick one! (Now reread the last sentence, imagining it's in Lewis Black's voice.)

I'm a Hack

I spent all day on Friday trying to finish a short story for The Newsletter. Two half finished stories left behind, and 3 AM later, I finally finished it and e-mailed it out. It's not a groundbreaking testament to the human spirit, it's not really all that good. I think there's enough little amusing lines and bits to make it worthwhile, but it's not something I'm waiting on the edge of my seat to see in print.

Sigh.

As I was driving back home from Chi-Town Saturday, I remembered the stack of floppy disks I had found amongst my crap in the basement during the last time I tried to consolidate the nonsense. Since I don't have a floppy drive on my laptop I didn't check them out right away, and then they fell back behind something and I wasn't in any rush to dig them out. But thinking these disks may have a lot of my writing from high school on them, I decided I was going to make a project out of going through them. I got back home Saturday with enough time to grab a snack and a shower before heading to the Gap, and so the exploration of these disks was saved for yesterday.

As I had suspected, these were some of the disks to which I saved things in high school. As I waited for the files to load on my brother's computer (his has a 3 1/2 disk drive) I realized that it was taking a minute because these disks were 10 years old. It's scary to put that sort of perspective on things.

What's even scarier is that I was immensely please with how good the stories and other writings were, moreso than I have been of my writing of late. Sure, I could see ways to improve them and stylistic changes I would make today, but the basics were better than I remembered.

And that's totally depressing.

I had more to write about when I was 14 than I do at 24.

Time to Get Me an Accent...

School is done for the year now, so that means no more subbing days. My only source of income now is from the Gap. I just get more resentful of it every day that I go in - hating what I have to do, hating the customers, hating many of my coworkers, and even hating particular items of clothing. When inanimate objects provoke a sense of seething rage in you, you know things are not going well.

I've gotten 3 rejection notices so far, and that's all I've heard from schools. Just like dating, all the pretty girls aren't interested, so now it's time to go find the girl with a "great personality"...

That's right, I started applying to schools in North Carolina.

Supposedly Texas, Florida, and North Carolina are the states most in need of teachers. North Carolina has the distinct advantage of not being either Texas or Florida. Over Christmas break I talked briefly to a girl I graduated with who is teaching in NC, and she tried to convince me it was the thing to do. My dad was down there for a week on business a few years ago, and he told me it's pretty nice down there. It's the South, but it's not the Deep South. Hell, I see more confederate flags and cowboy hats in West Michigan than I ever did living in Missouri, so I'm not too worried. Now I just have to wait by the phone...

Mr. Brightside

You know that scene in movies where the character goes into the bathroom to wash their face, and as they look up from the sink there's a long emotional pause as they look at themselves in the mirror while dramatic music plays?

That kinda describes the way I've felt for the last few days.

May was an exciting month. Between Tulip Time, Star Wars, and this past weekend spent in Traverse City I've had a lot to do and a lot of fun. In between all of these weekend extravaganzas were some solid weeks of substitute teaching, which not only kept me busy but also kept me away from the Gap.

Now it's June. Time to hurry up and wait for something to happen. School's ending next week, so it means no more subbing jobs. My time will be spent waiting for the clock hands to move at the Gap, or waiting for the phone to ring at home.

Here's the last piece of the puzzle... Yesterday I found out that one of my ex-girlfriends from high school is getting married. Beyond just a little fling or a date to a dance, she was the most significant dating relationship I had in high school. After a bit of awkward transitional time, we eventually got used to being friends and have more or less kept in touch over the last few years. I hung out with her one night around Christmas and she mentioned that she and her boyfriend had been "talking about the future". Now that it's official I'm happy for her, but it's a weird feeling to say the least.

A real job and a girlfriend. When all is said and done, those are the two things I want that I can't seem to attain. And I won't find either in Holland.

So here I am
grown up at 23
Will someone tell me
what it takes to be happy?

The Ataris - "Giving up on Love"

I'm sure you, the reader, are shaking your head at my foolishness or naivete.

I know there are millions of people in the world that are both gainfully employed and involved in relationships, and are all the while still unhappy. I know that having these two things will not unlock the magical door to happyland. I know that more likely than not, there is a good chance for more misery to come of either a job or a girlfriend.

And still, I want both. As irrational, illogical, unbelievable, and unreasonable as it seems I have nonetheless admitted it.

Penguins

Which is more ridiculous - the fact that I bought a tuxedo on eBay, or that this weekend will be the second time I'll wear it?

Salute to C-Dawg

I found out yesterday that my high school band director has resigned after spending the last few months out for health reasons. He could have retired a few years ago, but we all knew he'd never be able to just walk away. We all knew only something drastic like this is the only way he'd ever be able to let go.

You ask anyone who was in that band for four years, and I guarantee that there's something they learned from Mr. C. that's still with them today. Though we all had an idea of the impact he had on us while we were in his band, we realized even more after we graduated just how much Mr. C. taught us over the years. He set the highest standards and expectations for us, and we surpassed them until we made the impossible look easy. And it's all because he knew how much potential we had, and didn't let up until we realized it.

That band was a brotherhood, a fraternity, a legacy that each of us became a part of. Dean built that music program from the ground up with his own two hands, turning it into one of the best bands in the state. We all joined it as scared, clueless freshmen, and left as confident seniors knowing that we had been a part of something greater than ourselves. None of our parents quite understood, but most of us learned more about ourselves and about life from that band than from anywhere or anyone else.

I feel bad for whoever the new band director is. There's no way anyone can hope to succeed Mr. C., and as long as there are still students there who remember him the new director will never be able to get out from under his shadow. That's Dean's band.

IBP forever.

Power of the Dark Side

Over the last few days, I can think of at least three occasions that I wish I had the ability to strangle someone with my thoughts.


"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

It's the little things...

Every now and then, there is no better feeling on Earth than knowing you've got no obligations ahead of you.

Given the nature of my dual employments, there have been more than a few days that I taught all day and then followed it up with a closing shift at the Gap. I know it doesn't sound like much to the casual reader, but when you've spent 8 hours dealing with demanding and selfish adolescents the last thing you want to do is spend your evening dealing with demanding and selfish customers.

Not tonight.

During my last hour teaching today, I was struck with the fact that I could go home and sit on my ass. That moment of realization was probably the high point of my day. I busted out of school this afternoon not because I had somewhere to be, but because I couldn't wait to go nowhere.

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. After a two-day Star Wars bender, I just wanted to sleep. Seeing Episode III twice in a 12 hour period was great, but after the second viewing I had to drive 2 1/2 hours home. And this was of course after going to bed at 3:30 in the morning following the Midnight premiere. But hey, it was the last Star Wars movie, and I would have gone to the Midnight show even if I was teaching the morning after.

Anyway, the point is that tonight after I got home from school I did absolutely nothing. I took a nap, reheated some leftovers for dinner, and watched TV I had taped in the last few weeks but hadn't gotten around to watching yet.

In all things, balance.

When I wasn't working as often, I'd be bored sitting around the house. Now I've been working everyday, sometimes twice in a day, and I have to look days ahead to find my chance to do nothing.

Ah well, in the end I guess it's the paychecks that matter.

The Final Frontier

After weeks of dread, i watched the series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise last night. It originally aired on Friday night, but in true fashion to the local UPN affiliates record of how it has treated Enterprise, it was pre-empted by basketball. While part of me was grateful that it delayed the inevitable a few more days, it was nonetheless one last kick in the teeth.

I deeply hope that the end of Enterprise does not mean the end of Star Trek. But given the way the network, advertisers, fans, and show creators have acted I honestly don't know when and what it will take for Star Trek to come back. As much as it's become a cliche amongst true Star Trek fans, the undeniable truth is that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga had as much blood on their hands as anyone else in killing Star Trek. The finale, "These are the Voyages..." was a painful reminder of why those two should never again be allowed near Star Trek.

The episode was not that bad, but the way it was executed just kept screwing the cast and legacy of Enterprise at every turn. Not allowed to simply ride into the sunset on their own, Archer and is crew had to be saddled with Riker and Troi from The Next Generation. It would have been okay if it was Riker and Troi post-Nemesis on the USS Titan, but instead Berman had to drag everyone back to the Enterprise D. What followed was a lame series of cameos by Riker and Troi that got in the way of the Enterprise cast, and denied them any sort of last dance together.

The very end of the episode, featuring the opening voice-over split between Picard, Kirk, and Archer was a nice touch, but was too little too late.

Should we ever again see the crew of the Enterprise NX-01, I trust in Manny Coto and the Reeves-Stevens to undue the besmirching wrought by Berman and Braga. I hope that in 5 years time UPN will have crumbled to dust and been blown away by the winds of time, Berman and Braga are run out of town, and true talents such as Coto and Ira Stephen Behr can carry on Gene Roddenberry's vision.

Putting a Lot On My Plate

Last week I felt alive again for the first time in weeks. My "vacation" from Holland a few weeks ago spent on the road was a much needed escape, but this past week was spent solely in the confines of Holland. But while I was still here, I felt like I was back in the life I am used to, the life I want to reclaim.

I taught 4 days out of 5 last week, worked 4 days at the Gap, and spent the rest of my available time at home working on The Newsletter related business. Instead of just a normal column, I also worked on a film review and new 9 panel FreshMan adventure. Of course this free time was also punctuated with several rounds of Halo 2 on X-Box live, because even when I have too much to do I can never just get to work.

I don't like stress. I don't like my time to be completely scheduled out. And yet, as I've said before, it's only when I'm going in so many different directions at a time that I really feel like I'm myself. The more idle time I have the more time I spend moping and dwelling, which is no good for anyone.

I've got plans set and dates booked all the way through the rest of May. I'm teaching at least 3 days a week, and I've got some sort of adventure planned for every weekend. I may not feel totally happy, but at least I won't have time to be depressed.

A little sketchy

I love drawing comics, but man it's times like these that make me wish I was a better artist.

Re-dedication

As per The Last Angry Man's most recent post, I feel that I have contributed to the seemingly faltering state of blogging. I have to imagine that anyone still reading my blog has questioned why they do so, since I have only written about 3 posts in the last month.

As of late, I've envied other's blogs. As my own little corner of the World Wide Web has faded away, I've read really great posts on other's blogs that make me wish I had something cool to say.

You can take me down
To show me your home
Not the place where you live
But the place where you belong
You can bend my ear
We can talk all day
Just make sure you're around
When I've finally got something to say

Toad the Wet Sprocket - "Something to Say"

I'm trying to get back in the groove. I've been teaching almost every day for the last two weeks, and it's the most alive I've felt in a long while. I've been drawing comics again, and I always forget how much I enjoy it. Now I've just got to get back into writing mode.

Rock over London.
Rock on Chicago.
Blogspot, home of the rant.

Shout Outs (a week late)

They're about a week past due, but I just wanted to share a few quick thanks to my friends and family for their help in my job search two weeks ago. I was on the road for a week across Michigan and Illinois, and they made the trip more enjoyable.

Jon - Thanks for the futon, student ID, and parking pass. From what I heard from others inside, I probably saved $30 in admission and parking fees. Buffalo Wild Wings and Sin City were fun, and I'm looking forward to doing it again for Revenge of the Sith.

Dave and Tracey - It was just good to see you guys again for a bit. Thanks for indulging me in my need for Palio's and Red Hot Lover's... so good.

The Captain - For once again providing shelter in the 'burbs. Hopefully I'll have a need for the Aero bed again in the near future...

And for all who supported me through spiritual or metaphysical means, I thank you too. Now let's just hope it wasn't for naught.

Kicking My Own Ass

I have absolutely no self-discipline when it comes to time management right now. I haven't had a reason to in months. There's been no sense of urgency to anything I've done in far longer than I care to think about. Nonetheless, I have recently been trying to set deadlines and goals for myself in an effort to reestablish some semblance of control.

My current situation is not who I am, so it's time to reassert my influence upon the world around me instead of letting circumstance dictate how I live my life.

As such, tomorrow I am going to send application information to Rockford, York, and Indian Prairie Public Schools. I'm also going to return the message the Kalamazoo research clinic left me about upcoming studies.

My fortune cookie today said "Happy news is on its way to you." Cookie don't fail me now...

Jerry Garcia is Dead, Get Over It...

If you went out of your way to smoke pot today and talk all about it and how it's 4/20 and that people are supposed to care, you're a fucking tool and I hate you.

I was trying to work past my anger and not feel hatred towards anything for a couple days, but then April 20th had to roll around. I have no strong feelings against smoking pot, but After living in Ann Arbor for 5 years I have no patience for wannabe-hippie burnout losers who have nothing better to do than talk about getting stoned.

Wrestling With My Demons

I have some serious introspection going on inside, and I've got a lot to write about in regard to it. Problem is, I can barely articulate it to myself. I've got this feeling, this notion, and a lot of questions that can't seem to make it the transition from my mind to the outside world. It's a demon that's found comfort in the darkness I've allowed for it to exist in, and now I'm trying to drag it out into the light.

Last week one of the girls at The Gap said that I was an Angry S.O.B. Had it been one of the high school girls I would have paid it no mind, but since it was one of the few older employees close to my age, it gave me pause. I couldn't dispute her. And worse, it's not like she's the first one to point it out.

There's been a change in my personality, in my thoughts and mood. I've become angry, hateful of things for no reason, impatient with people, and more often than not a generally unpleasant person. I don't know when the change started, though I have my suspicions. But regardless of when or why it happened, I don't like who I've become. I don't think a lot of people I've met in the last few years since I suspect the change started have really liked me, and I can't say I'm surprised.

I used to worry about the fact that I never got angry. Part of me feared that maybe I was repressing it all or keeping it bottled up inside, and that it would one day explode in some fit of rage years later. As I've thought about it, as The Captain seemed to concur, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I started to let the anger in because of Missy.

I really don't want to give her that kind of credit for affecting my life 3 years after I broke up with her, but I think there is some undeniable connection between the timing of our breakup and the beginning of the dark slide to angry Brad. So much during the last few months of our relationship did I sublimate the anger, hurt, and frustration I had towards her through either denial or internalization. When I finally realized that I was going to be miserable as long as I held on, and worked up the resolve to end our relationship, I no longer had a reason to pull my punches. I finally admitted that I was angry, I allowed myself to get angry, and I welcomed in the demon of anger for the first time in a long time.

I think that once I opened the door and let anger sleep on the couch, he started hanging out more and more. Little by little, he made himself more comfortable, more at home. He started redecorating the place, and occasionally would invite friends like resentment, spite, and irrationality over. At first the neighbors weren't complaining, so I never had reason to kick him out. But as time has passed, he's gotten too comfortable. He'll open the door in his bathrobe instead of letting the real homeowner answer the door.

Anger needs to pack his bags. He's fun to have around every now and then, but he's overstayed his welcome.

Members Only

So in the last few months, I've gotten these one-day guest membership passes to Sam's Club. My family had a Sam's Club membership years ago when my dad got a free one through work, but not really needing anything purchased in bulk my family has never actively acquired a membership. I let the first pass expire because I never had a reason to go, but last week my mom found out that Sam's had $30 Birkenstocks and thus my parents and I took advantage of the most recent coupon.

The fine print of the coupon stated that we'd have to pay a 10% non-member fee on any purchases, and so after picking up a few things we had the choice of paying the non-member fee, or paying a bit more up front to get a membership. We opted for the membership, so now I've got my own shiny new Sam's Club card.

So if you find yourself in need of a 5 Pound bucket of cheese-puffs, I'm your man. Though sadly, I have to relate that it does take more than 3 men and a Michigan/Ohio State football game to finish 5 pounds of cheese-puffs.

Making it Happen

On graduation Sunday I drove myself to Crisler Arena since I had to be there before my the rest of my family. Walking back to my car after Commencement I took the tassel off my cap and hung it on my rear-view mirror. I wasn't sure how long after graduation was appropriate to keep it one there, and a few weeks later I decided that I would keep it on the mirror until I got a real teaching job. It seemed like a good benchmark and statute, and I didn't think it would be on there all that long. After all the disappointment of last summer's job search, I kept the tassel hanging in my car.

Whatever symbolism there is about moving from one part of my life to the next, I'm done waiting.

I spend Wednesday morning at Kinko's making copies and putting portfolios together. I also put together a few envelopes to be mailed to school personnel offices and principals of a few of my target schools. I'm down in Chicago this weekend, hanging out with the Captain until I leave Monday morning for a job fair nearby. I've got more envelopes to mail out, and more job fairs to go to in the next few weeks.

The tassel is gone.

I'm going out there, and I'm getting a job. I took the tassel off before I left to drive down here. It's not going to be luck, or fate, or symbolism that gets it done.

Catholicism, Wow!

While I don't feel that going to church every Sunday is enough to make one a good person, I do feel like less of a good person for having not been to church in a long time. While it can't make up for months of absence, I had told myself that I was going to go to church on Easter Sunday no matter what. I told my family I was going to go, and they told me to have fun but that nobody else would be going with me. I was fine with that, having been to church by myself before. It wasn't the ideal, but I was still going to go.

Well, while out with The Captain last night, he convinced me to join his family at Mass this morning. He said that after sticking with my abdication from pop through Lent, I might as well finish it going to a Catholic church for Easter. I was game, and so this morning I went to my first Mass.

In many respects, it really was not that different from a Protestant service. The building was very similar to my own church, the most notable differences being the holy water and pews. Some of the hymns were most likely being sung at the same time just down the street at my church, and many of the responses were the same. That is, until we got to Communion.

Not being baptized or confirmed in the Catholic Church, I knew I'd be sitting the actual sacrament out. But even knowing that, it was a bit overwhelming to see everyone around me quoting the long and numerous responses during the Eucharist. So I sat there, watching a few others doing the same.

I may or may not actually be a better person for going this morning, but I still feel good for having gone. I had not realized that Easter marks the first day of the new year for the Church, but I can understand why. There seems to be a renewed sense of hope and possibility in the air, and I thank God for that.

The (latest) one that got away...

I got out of work at 9:00 Saturday night, and found a voicemail from my brother waiting for me. Having kicked off the festivities earlier in the evening, he was calling to tell me he was having a party at his house in East Lansing. Not having anything to do that night, or the next day, I figured I might as well just hop in the car and go.

As far as house parties go, it was a good show. Not too many random undesirables that you feel crowded, but more than enough people to make things worthwhile. In addition to my brother I chatted with a few other guys I knew, and it was a good time. At some point, as more people showed up, I somehow managed to strike up a conversation with a stunning girl who had caught my attention the moment she arrived. I had just started my third Guinness, which I guess is just enough to get me loosened up without yet hinting at the unfortunate specter of Drunk Brad.

Right off the bat it becomes known that this girl is an alumnus as well, and so I feel absolutely no trepidation about flirting with her. I was able to keep her engaged without saying anything stupid, doing anything awkward, and did not otherwise bore her or embarrass myself. I even have independent confirmation that she did, in fact, seem interested in me.

And just as suddenly and inexplicably as our conversation began, it ended. The police had made a brief appearance outside, the keg ran out, and apparently the group she came with was moving on to greener pastures. Just as I realized she was leaving, she was already gone. Did I have a chance and miss it? Was the opportunity never really there? Did I miss my cue to formally propose a one night stand? How does one negotiate "going somewhere more private" when you don't have a place of your own to go?

Comments?
- Malis, stop snickering.
- Jon, play 6 degrees and figure out who that girl was.
- Watergirl, as the only female who I know reads this blog, your perspective is always appreciated.

Change of Plans

The future seems so much easier when it's in front of you instead of all around you. During my student teaching, I thought I'd just fall into a job at Saline High School. I was liked there, another social studies teacher was retiring, and they were opening a new school in the fall. It seemed easy. After I graduated, I fell into a long term substitute gig at Plymouth High School, which again promised me there would be openings in the fall. I had two schools all lined up, and I wasn't worried. Sure, I still sent out a resume here and there, but I didn't expect any trouble.

Come the end of August, my phone wasn't ringing. All those throw-away applications I had sent out just in case became all the hope I had to cling to, and that eventually faded. Which brought me back home, to the life you all have read about here for many months.

I did not send any resumes out of state last summer. I wanted to stay in Michigan, and I refused to entertain other possibilities. After accepting the reality of Michigan's economy, I started to allow for the possibility of moving to another state to enter my plans. Taking a look at the map, I picked a few states that I thought I would feel at home in, and starting looking towards them for the fall.

And now, the focus has shifted again.

With The Captain taking a job in a suburb about an hour south of Chicago, I am now hoping to be a resident of Illinois in a few months. It's got all the Midwestern charm that I love. It's got about a dozen schools within spitting distance. I'd have a roommate to help (well, it's more like I'd be helping him) cut down on the cost of living, and to stave off isolation and boredom.

What does the future hold? If all goes well, a teaching job in DuPage County, Illinois. I've got paperwork being processed by the State of Illinois, and a job fair down there to look forward to in a few weeks. Tomorrow I'm picking up a copy of the Chicago Tribune because it's supposed to have their annual Educator Job section in it.

I won't take things so lightly this time around. If you're a principal within 100 miles of Lilse, IL, expect a letter from me. Maybe two. And a phone call. Maybe a fax. E-mail. Carrier pigeon. Singing telegram. Skywriting. And my personal favorite, a horse's head in your bed.

Dressin' Sharp

I love wearing a suit.

West Ottawa's in-house job fair was this Saturday, and such on occasion warrants wearing my suit. I don't get a chance to wear it that often, but I wish I did. Aside from looking professional and all that, I just feel more confident while I'm wearing it. With all the job fairs coming up in April, I should get some more chances to do so. If I had a picture, I'd post it up here. But trust me when I say, I clean up good.

Did I Miss Something?

So, after all the months of people talking about how great Napoleon Dynamite is, I finally got a hold of it watched it.

What a piece of shit.

I can't stand to even look at the guy who plays Napoleon. I hated every single one of the actors in the movie. I wanted to stop watching after about half an hour, but suffered through it. I want that hour and 35 minutes of my life back.

If someone can please explain to me what it was I was supposed to appreciate about this movie, please let me know.

I'm a Lazy Bastard

I realize I haven't blogged in over a week. Have I been caught up in a whirlwind of activity? Not quite. My blog, just like so many other things, has simply fallen victim to my laziness. Why do today what you can put off another three or four days?

I can't say that anything eventful has happened since I last posted. I've gone to work at the Gap, sold a few things on eBay, and have generally been waiting for life to happen to me. I did get a good lunch courtesy of The Flying Dutchman, and hearing from him about the West Ottawa job fair next weekend has given me a less distant date to look forward to.

I'm going back to Kalamazoo on Sunday for a new study, though not in the same format as the last one. It's only a three day hitch, repeated over three weeks. So, $1500 for nine days of lab ratting seems like a good deal to me.

Weird Day

I really do enjoy writing, the problem being that I more often than not find myself without anything to write about. I imagine that if put into a position where more writing were demanded of me, I would become a faster and more prolific writer. Well this morning I found myself coming up with things to write, but no time to do it. I spent the afternoon at the Gap, trying to nurture the ideas and keep them alive long enough to see the creative light of day once I got home. Luckily, I didn't lose them, and have since spent the evening in the rather enjoyable pursuit of actually writing.

Today's shift at the Gap wasn't anything unusual, except for a few comments made as I was leaving. The manager on duty was off in another part of the store, and so when my shift was ending I gave him a quick sitrep (situation report - I watch too many military related things) over our headsets. Apparently what I thought was just a standard list of things to do impressed the younger employees that were there, and two different individuals commented that I should be a manager based on my display of competence. They didn't put it in those terms, but apparently basic competence at one's job is all that they think is necessary for a managerial position.

Hey, if I could get paid a manager's salary without any commitment to stay there once a teaching offer comes along, I'd take it. Somehow I doubt they'd invest in a manager who may only be there for 4 more months.

No Refills

Not being Catholic, I've never really known what to do with Lent. Sure, we Protestants keep track of the 40 days and 40 nights leading up to Easter, but not to the same degree as Catholics. Growing up Methodist, I honestly don't know if we're supposed to observe the same sort of restraint and denial during the Lenten season. I know the parallels to Jesus' time spent in the desert have been mentioned during Lenten services, but I don't remember any guidelines being laid down for expectations during Lent. Really, everything I know about not eating meat on Fridays and making sacrifices during Lent has come second hand from Catholic friends rather than from a sermon.

That being said, I've decided to give up pop for Lent. Not being an overly hedonistic individual, I've never had an overwhelming vice to get rid of. Sitting at IHOP with Joe, giving up pop seems like one of the most beneficial things I could do. I don't drink a lot, but it is a very habitual thing that will take vigilance to adhere to. As a corollary to giving something bad up, I'm also going to try some self-improvement by rededicating my efforts to go to the gym. I say right now that I don't know if I can make the same sort of promise on this as I can for giving up pop, but it's on the agenda nonetheless.

Red Pill or Blue Pill

No matter what happens in life, you've only ever really got two options. Whether it's the most mundane task or a matter of life or death, you've got what you choose to do and what you didn't do. Right or left. Chocolate or vanilla. Right or wrong.

Whatever sequence of decisions, good or bad, has led me here is not the point. I'm here, in the same state I've been in for months, and as of yet the alternate option has not yet presented itself. All the opportunities I tried to create dissolved, crashed and burned on the runway, and suffice to say did not change the situation. Right now my options are to succumb to depression and disillusionment, or laugh at myself and press on.

Happy or sad.

Fight or flight.

Coke or Pepsi.

Make no mistake, I am angry and frustrated to no end about still being home and having no options but to substitute and keep working at the Gap. Crappy jobs or no jobs. Small paychecks or no paychecks. It's what I've got to work with, and so I'm trying to just plug away and get ready to strike at the next opportunity I can either find or make. All I can do is nurture the hope that there is hope.

Hope or despair.

Half empty or half full.

Paper or plastic.

It may be that I've become numb to it all. This may be what going mad feels like. But as down as I get, have gotten, and will still get in the next few months, I do still get excited about Job Fairs in April, and getting letters out to schools in other states this spring.

Stay or go.

Here or there.

For better or worse.

I'll keep on keeping on. Trying to find something positive, something that if it doesn't make me happy, at least makes me less depressed each day.

Because remember, monkeys are funny.


Red Pill or Blue Pill

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck

Fuck UPN.

Fuck Paramount Pictures.

Fuck Les Moonves.

It was officially announced today that at the end of this season, Star Trek: Enterprise has been canceled.

You may think I'm overreacting. While I may not serve jury duty wearing a Starfleet uniform, and can't speak Klingon, Star Trek has always been a part of my life. I watched reruns of the original series with my dad before I could sit up on my own. Unlike the finite existence of Star Wars, where there could really only ever be 6 movies, there has been new Star Trek without pause for the last 19 years. Star Trek IV: The Voayage Home premiered in 1986, and in 2005 Star Trek: Enterprise is in its 4th season. But there will be no 5th season. There may never be Star Trek again.

I took Enterprise for granted. I did not fully embrace it from the beginning, and I feel guilty for that. I watched the series premire, and then missed a lot of episodes during the first season. I eventually caught up through encores and TLAM's VHS library, but did not become a dedicated viewer until the 2nd season. During the 3rd season, it became known that the series' future was in question, and the Save Enterprise project was born. I quickly joined the forum and e-mail group, and began writing letters to the network executives in order to being the show back for a 4th season. We succeeded last year, and the current 4th season may be the best yet. Knowing that a full 7 year run was by no means guaranteed, the campaign continued this year to ensure a 5th season and beyond. Today marks the darkest hour in that struggle.

There is still a chance, however slim, that another network could pick the show up. There have been quite a few science fiction shows in the last few years that were cancelled, and then brought back for new episodes on another channel. I'm sure that this will be the new goal of the Save Enterprise campaign. But as much as I can hope for a miracle, there is the very real possibility that Paramount will not allow it. The odds are against us, and the situation is grim.


Enterprise NX-01

Cruel Fate! Why do you taunt me?!?!?!?

Working the cash register at the Gap tonight, I saw the cutest girl I have seen in a long long time. If I could have taken a picture, I would have used it as reference to answer the question of "What kind of girl are you looking for?" She wasn't there with her boyfriend. She wasn't there with her husband. She stood like two feet away from me, and all I could do was ring up her stuff and watch her walk away.

There's nothing I can do in that situation. She's the customer, I'm the employee. At best I'm the cute guy at the Gap, at worst I'm a loser who's working there when he's 23.

Kobayashi Maru.

Can I get some children's chewable morphine?

I don't admit to being sick, and really am not sick very often. If I do feel less than 100%, I don't let it stop me from doing anything. I hate people who back out of things because "they're sick". Get over it. If I can get out of bed and go through the day without throwing up, I'm not sick.

Nonetheless, for the last few days, I've had a stuffy and sometimes runny nose. I went through what was left of a bottle of Walgreens brand Dayquill, and bought of bottle of Walgreens Nyquill that I have since polished off. Maybe I didn't follow the recommended dosing closely enough. In fact, after taking two doses of Nyquill the night before and a dose of Dayquill in the morning, I think I may have been drunk at the Gap a couple days ago. And right now as either part of the same "head cold" or as a separate symptom, I have a headache.

Not being a fan of science or doctors, and being prone to hasty and irrational arguments, I have therefore theorized that mucus is in fact crushing my brain. If I don't blow my nose, I believe there stands a good chance that my head will implode.

Nothing in particular

I woke up at 5:17 this morning. There was no reason for me to, I wasn't working at the Gap until noon. And yet in this brief moment somewhere between sleep and consciousness, I remember thinking to myself that I should be getting up at 5:17. I am not a morning person. As anyone who has lived with me knows, if left to my own devices, I may not get out of bed until 1:00 in the afternoon. And yet, I would love to have to get up at 5:17 in the morning, because that would mean that I have a classroom to be in that morning.

But I didn't, so I went back to bed until 10:30.

Today wasn't really that great a day. Nothing particularly great happened. But it still felt like a good day. Maybe I'm just bipolar, or maybe I've finally just lost my mind.

Who the Hell is Seymour Hersh?

Here's more crazy conspiracy theories from the media that in no way has any sort of liberal bias.

I'm a bit conflicted on this particular foreign policy issue. On the one hand, I fully believe that the radical Theocracy that serves as government in Iran needs to be totally stripped of any nuclear capability, and eventually removed from power. On the other hand, I worry about our forces being spread too thin. But wherever you may fall on that particular issue, there is a more fundamental problem at hand. Hersh says his reporting is done "in the hope that publicity would force the administration to reconsider."

I'm sorry, since when was it the job of the media to effect the change or creation of policy? When and if I ever get a government class to teach, I guess I'm screwed. I've never heard of the 4th branch of government that checks everything without any sort of balance, so there goes my Division of Powers lesson.

Whether you believe it or not, the CIA and Department of Defense are both made of up professionals who have dedicated their lives to being experts on every imaginable aspect of foreign policy. Despite what journalists like Hersh would have you believe, the government is not being run by members of President Bush's old college fraternity. So when there are plans for intelligence gathering and reconnaissance missions, don't assume that because you watch CBS News and a few Mikhail Moore movies that you can be a fucking armchair Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.

Addendum...

The Last Angry Man is, as he is more often than not, right about the dangers that may come from being something other than single. So while I may not enjoy my current state of bachelorhood, it does beat being trapped in a cold, loveless, soul-crushing relationship. Been there, done that.

That being said, I still wouldn't mind some female company.

New E-Mail

Alright people, just in case I didn't send you an e-mail saying the same. I'm dropping my umich.edu e-mail address, and jumping on the G-Mail train. If you send e-mails to my umich account, they will be lost in limbo. As for any random blog reader who happens to come upon my post, just keep walking. If I don't know you, I don't want to hear from you.

For those of you I do want to hear from, you can reach me at bdupay@gmail.com

Things I Hate Being...

1. Single
2. Unemployed
3. Broke

I don't see any of these things changing while I'm still in Holland. As to why I don't just pack up and skip town, refer to point #3. I'm stuck here until at least mid-April when the Education Job Fairs start, and even given a best-case scenario I don't think I'll be out of here any earlier than June.

Thank God for Netflix to pass the time.

Bloggity Blog Blog

Sorry, I just couldn't think of a title.

I love looking outside and seeing snow. I'm not talking a light dusting of snow, I'm talking the 8-10 inches of snow we got here in the last week. It's threatened to warm up this weekend and deprive me of this winter wonderland, but last night's weather report promised a much colder week. I was skeptical about the supposed winter storm that did eventually come, so maybe weather forecasters aren't always wrong. But, when your job is to predict the future, what are you gonna do?

(On a related note, I apologize for any inconvenience the snow caused the Captain on his drive to Philly. But since you're spending a week with your girlfriend, at least let me have my enjoyment of the snow.)

It would appear that all the possible windows of getting out of Holland midway through the year have been closed. I applied to 3 jobs in Michigan, calling, e-mailing, and mailing application materials to all 3. Since school's been back in session for a week, I think it's time to stop waiting. None of the out-of-state postings I've looked through have anything in my certification areas, so it looks like I'm stuck here until the career fairs start in April. Having people back home to go out with made Holland livable for a few weeks, but now that everyone's gone it's only a matter of time before malaise and hatred of the world set in again.

On the upside, my mom and I started our Netflix account, and I've been watching TV shows on DVD all week. Right now I'm watching Firefly, and it's as great as I hoped it would be.

I'm Blogging, Dammit, I'm Blogging!

So, Wilson yelling at me (by yelling, I mean commenting using an exclamation point) has got me back in the blog saddle. Really, I've had nothing to talk about. New Year's came and went without a whole lot of fanfare, and there have yet to be any great personal revelations or events to share with the blog-reading public. I will say, though, that I had several thoroughly enjoyable evenings during the course of the Christmas break. Even though only 3 or 4 people I know were actually on something specifically designated as a break instead of just vacation (or unemployment) days, I will always think of this time of year as Christmas Break. And since I'm going to go through both Heaven and Hell until I find a job as one, as a teacher I guess I'll always have a Christmas Break in the same fashion. So, I'll keep calling it Christmas Break.

But anyway, it was good to have people around to go out and play with. The popular destination that I kept being called to (3 times in one week) was The Curragh, Holland's new Irish pub and restaurant. It may not be Ashley's or Connor O'Neil's, but it's a good place. Since I rarely go out to the bar anymore, I made my trips count. While my brother was enjoying the cheapest domestic water he could get, I have developed the expensive need to have good beer. While in Chicago before Christmas I had what may have been the greatest pint of Guinness ever, and I've been trying to follow it up since then.

(On a vaguely tangentially related note, I think I've decided to move to Boulder Colorado. I have been strongly considering Colorado anyway, and when I remembered that there is a second Connor O'Neil's in Boulder that seemed like as good a reason as any to single that particular city out.)

So, while I've really said nothing in this entire post, that's about all I've got right now. I've been in the toy aisles chasing after-Christmas markdowns and doing research for my latest Newsletter Column, and have yet to do anything productive in 2005. Malis and I have been playing a lot of Halo 2, and tomorrow marks my first day back at The Gap all year. I wish I could leave it in 2004, but my bank account is telling me that a crappy job is better than being broke.

A Very 80s Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all the blog readers out there. The presents I got this year that I enjoy the most are all throwbacks to my childhood. First off, there's the GI Joe mini-series DVD set I got from my parents. I didn't ask for it specifically, but they even ended up getting me the one that came with a figure, though I know they didn't realize either. In between watching episodes of that, I have Metroid and Zelda II: The Adventure of Link from GameBoy's Classic NES series thanks to my brothers.

To continue in the spirit of gift-giving, my mom and I have been talking about setting up a Netflix account. I know TLAM uses (and claims to be addicted to) it, so I'm just looking for a little advice and how-to about it. It says you can have up to 3 DVDs at a time, and that when you send one back they send you the next one on your list. How does your list work? Can you have another DVD "on deck" as the one you want next, or what? I really want it for TV shows like Deadwood and DS9, but would a season set be considered one of my 3 rentals or does it count each individual disc? Please comment or e-mail me if you have any feedback for me on the subject.

Well, that's all for now. This coming week will be full of get-togethers and hopefully some good times, so maybe I can say good riddance to 2004 and have some fun in its final days.

The Big Decision

I spent yesterday in Ann Arbor working on The Newsletter Annual with TLAM (it's gonna be awesome - check your mailboxes. If you're not signed up for it and you want it, let me know). While there, I also ran into a lot of the LS&A Academic Advisors I worked with while they were busy with transfer orientation. While relaying to them my current state of unemployment, I talked with various people about the possibility that's been on my mind over the last few months. I like the weather of the Midwest (though I wish it would snow more), and I like the people of the Midwest. Problem is, I don't know if there are going to be any jobs in the midwest.

Given the entire United States to work with, I've narrowed it down to the final contenders. While Michigan will always be my first choice, for the sake of argument we'll assume that the job market here will stay the same, forcing the decision to go elsewhere. I know I am not going to move south of the Mason-Dixon line - they all compete for worst schools in the nation. On the one coast, Malis has been working on me to follow him out to somewhere within an hour of Philadelphia either in Pennsylvania or New Jersey. On the other coast, Joe and Vicki continually lobby for the state of California in general. But as much as I love those of you in LA (I'm not forgetting Steve) I just don't think I could stand living in the state of California.

And in the middle (well, closer to the West, but you get the idea) I have been growing increasingly fond of the idea of moving to Colorado. Somewhere in the greater Denver area up north, where it snows. Two or three years ago I ran into about 4 people from high school that were planning to move to Colorado after college. When I graduated, I knew 3 people from the School of Ed. who were moving out there, and they were telling me how many jobs there were to be had. Apparently it is a booming area, which means the economy and job market are on the rise. I loved it when I spent two weeks out there in high school, and I guess the idea has stuck with me.

Unless I move in with Malis, wherever I end up I'm going to be out there on my own. For a while, part of the reason I wanted to stay in Michigan was that I would know people here. But apparently everyone I know here is ready to get the hell out, so maybe this spring I too will be making the exodus.

A Few Random Thoughts

1. I found this while jumping online from the MSN homepage. While I love my Alma Matter, I got a little smile out of the fact that U of M was not mentioned on either list. For all those pricks who just had to go to the B-School and U of M Law School, I just like to laugh at the reality that neither is the end-all-be-all in the universe.

2. While I mean no disrespect, and am sorry for the family's loss, I giggled just a bit when I realized his name was Ed Zachary. If you've never heard the joke, ask about it later.

3. I can vouch for Banky Edwards' (Jason Lee in Chasing Amy) assertion that the inker plays just as valuable, if not more so, a role in a comic than does the artist. I'm just finishing the last panel of the FreshMan comic for The Newsletter Annual, and the process of inking it is almost as time consuming as actually drawing in pencil. Your mother was a tracer!

Phoebe Cates where have you gone?

One of the HBO movie channels had Gremlins and Gremlins 2: The New Batch on back to back tonight. I always liked the second one better, as the first one was a lot darker and more malevolent versus the comic genius of the sequel. Christopher Lee as a mad scientist! Phoebe Cates in all her 1980s beauty! Robert Piccardo with hair! But more importantly, Phoebe Cates!

Really, I had no idea who Phoebe Cates was until reading TLAMs The Copybook Tales. But in realizing who she was, I was just as soon disappointed to see that her film career is quite limited. We can always hope for a comeback.

Fuck the World

Today really wasn't the day to put me into situations with customer service expectations. By any objective standard, today's shift at the Gap was no better or worse than any other. They'll never know it, and nothing dramatic happened, but I hated each and every customer that came to my register today.

"Your total comes to $186.59."
I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species.

"Would you like to open a Gap charge account today?"
I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see.

"Have a great afternoon."
I wanted to breathe smoke.

Before going in to the Gap this morning, I went to the West Ottawa Schools administration building. I had filled out their fucking application with its extra fucking supplemental writing responses, and tailored a new fucking cover letter to their advertised opening. And the old bitch behind the counter told me that it was an old posting that the webmaster should have gotten rid of, and with 5000 people applying to be substitutes there's no way they could accept any more. As far as she was concerned, I could have been hit by an errant school bus on the way out of the parking lot and she would not have given a good God-Damn.

This rejection, followed immediately by my consolation job at the Gap, put into stark focus just how much I hate my life right now.

Just Clerkin'

All day today I felt like Dante Hicks. If you read my blog, I'm guessing you know who Dante Hicks is. Though not scheduled at all this weekend at The Gap, one of the managers called this morning and asked me if I could cover for someone. Though not sleeping on the floor in a pile of my clothes, I was nonetheless roused from my bed in order to go into work. I figured I wasn't going to do much before 4:00 anyway, and I could use the extra cash.

I wasn't a bad day, but it was not a slow and easy day either. Today marked the end of our "Friends and Family" weekend, and as such we had a whole lot of people coming in to use their discounts. And of course, all these customers who had the discounts were purchasing like $300 worth of items, which had to be separated into 30% vs 15% off piles before being rang up. Though I tried to resist for the day, about halfway through the busy shift I responded to a co-worker with "I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

Though I can't hold myself to this, I am going to set a goal that after New Years, I will no longer be at The Gap. It's not a bad job or anything, but I just feel like a tool working there. My hope is that by New Year's I will have used my discount to buy everything I could ever buy there, and since schools will once again be open without breaks I can just make money subbing.

Tomorrow I am going to my Alma Matter to look into a potential opening in their Social Studies department. My brother brought home a school newspaper with an article about class sizes, and it said that there were two openings that they were hoping to find new teachers for in order to reduce class sizes, and the job website confirmed this. The only hitch is that the posted deadline for applications was over a month ago, but I'm hoping that maybe they just haven't had anyone apply and I can still get in. It's only a part-time job for the current school year, but it beats middle school subbing and folding pants. If nothing else I am going to try to get myself into the sub-pool so I have added possibilities for subbing jobs.

Help with Shakespeare

I picked up a 3 day gig teaching English at Holland High School, and the lesson plan just says to stretch Hamlet (the one with Mel Gibson) out for 3 days. It was started yesterday, so we're talking 4 days of 50 minute classes for a 2 hour movie. I take as much time as I can with attendance and announcements, and leave a few minutes for discussion at the end, but I just don't know if I can fill the time. One idea I've had is to bring Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead as a last ditch time filler, but having never seen it I don't know if any high school student would get it. I'm going to rent it tonight and watch it anyway, but if anyone (MW I'm looking at you) has seen it and can give some input, it would be greatly appreciated.

Feelin' Old

I had a dream I was trying to either write papers, finish projects, or study for finals for 5 classes all in one weekend. I don't know if the "Oh shit, I haven't studied for finals" dream is something that stays with you through your whole life, or if it was a reaction to spending time in East Lansing this weekend. While celebrating Mikey B's birthday with some kids from West Ottawa, I definitely felt a little out of place. Not just because I was in East Lansing, but the sense of feeling out of place in a group of college kids in general. I felt it this summer when I worked with a younger staff that would be returning this fall as students while I was already 8 months post-graduation, and I felt it this weekend.

I don't think this would be so bad if I actually felt like an adult in its place. But instead, I am stuck in this crappy state of limbo where I'm too old to act like an irresponsible college kid, but not old enough to have any of the positive trappings of adulthood. I don't fit in running with the college crowd at the bars, and I can't afford to visit and keep up with my friends who are working. None of them are raking in a ton of cash, but at least they have a steady source of income. I went through 5 years at U of M and all I got was this lousy diploma.

I know this is a recurring discussion from me and from my blog, but the holiday season keeps pushing it to the forefront. With every relative or friend who's back in town I see, it means another explanation of how the current state of the economy and school systems has left me subbing part time and working at the Gap, but that despite this I am not a loser.

Time Traveling

I talked to St. Louis girl for about an hour on the phone tonight. We did some very cursory catching up on the main events of our lives in the last 10 years, and she told me about some of my other friends from back in the day and their last known whereabouts. If any of you are really curious about more details, I can talk to you in more depth over e-mail, but suffice to say this is a very intriguing situation that I hope to continue to be able to talk about.

Out of the Blue

I checked my e-mail after getting back from work at the Gap this evening, and received a message from someone I have not seen or talked to in nearly 10 years. As many of you know, before I lived in Holland I spent all of elementary and middle school in a small town in Missouri about an hour west of St. Louis. When I was in 8th grade, my parents decided they had had enough of living away from home, and started planning to move back to Michigan. For me at the time, my whole life was in Missouri, and coupled with teenage angst was not at all happy about moving.

Though I successfully adjusted by about halfway through Freshman year of high school, at the time I was quite literally forced to leave all my friends behind. Chief among these friends was the core group of Mike, Nick, and Charlie. And then there was the girl. Angie. She just moved to Missouri that year, and though we were never "going out", we became very close friends.

She e-mailed me because she's now living in Detroit.

It was one of those "I don't know if you remember me, I hope this is the right person" e-mails, so I replied to her letting her know that she got the right person. I have no idea what prompted her to track me down, but all I know is that this is the sort of crazy, out-of-left field thing that just might make my life exciting for the first time in a long time.

Back From Hiatus

I'm so ashamed... I briefly turned in to one of those slacker bloggers who only posts like once a week. However shall I regain your trust that The Rant will be updated with the frequency you have all come to expect? Eh... I'll figure something out.

So, unfortunately, there has been no radical whirlwind of change in my life that has kept me from blogging. After a paperwork day and a training day, I've now officially been put on the schedule at the Gap. We had our Holiday Planning meeting on Sunday to discuss sales promotions and policies during the holiday rush, so let me tell you was that ever exciting. It was mandatory for the whole staff, so seeing all of my coworkers confirmed my suspicion that aside from the management and like one other person, I'm the only one who's not a minor. So far the managers love me because I actually work, unlike the rest of the staff who congregate in the fitting room area and gossip. Sigh... By the way, if you want a 15% off card for use the first weekend of December let me know... I have "Friends and Family" discount cards to give to people.

For good or for ill, I started trying to play Halo 2 on my brother's X-Box. It took me forever to think of a good, unique username, since 350,000 other people have signed up before me and taken all the ones I could think of. I finally came up with one this afternoon, and jumped in where angels fear to tread. Thanks to The Captain I got a free 2 month trial of X-Box Live, so I'm trying to hold my own against 12 year olds in the most basic matches in order to slowly get a handle on how to effectively kill them. Probably a month before Halo 3 is released I'll be good enough to actually jump into random games and not be totally helpless.

So, if I'm not blogging or trying to explain the difference between loose-fit and relaxed-fit jeans, I'll be in Halo-land bitch-slapping 12-year-olds with a rifle stock.

A Little of This, a Little of That

No coherent theme for today's show, just a few random thoughts.

1. You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling
Last night was the annual Treehouse of Horror season premier for The Simpsons. As many have feared, there wasn't a single thing that made me laugh in the episode. It barely held my interest. It was a tired rehash of previous ideas at best, a parody of itself at worst. It was like a Family Guy episode instead of a Simpsons episode. I thought last season showed some promise in reversing the downward trend, but last night took a decidedly sharp plunge. In the past the Treehouse of Horror allowed for some of the most creative and innovative ideas, but last night was just plain sad.

2. The Sound and the Fury
I don't know if it was just named since it only started in full today, or if it was just declassified, but the current major offensive against insurgent stronghold Fallujah is named Operation Phantom Fury. That's how you name a military operation. It harkens back to the good names like Operation Overlord and Operation Desert Storm, not the boring names like Enduring Freedom.

3. Going Dutch
I subbed at Holland High School today, and my continuing experience with the Holland School system makes me even more grateful for having gone to West Ottawa on the North side of town instead. The administration has no idea what's going on, the building seems to have been designed by the monkeys that they couldn't get to use typewriters, and it would appear that on any given day half of the English department is out of the building. By contrast, I was at Grand Haven High School on Friday. The building is like a temple to education, and it seems to be a tightly run ship.

New Stuff - No Politics (for now)

As alluded to in the previous post, the Star Wars Episode III teaser trailer came out on Thursday. After watching it about half a dozen times, I can safely say HOLY SHIT it's going to be awesome! I don't want to hear it from all of you who didn't like Episodes I and II - I'm excited about it and I think it's going to be worth the 20 year wait. Between armies of Wookies, the birth of Darth Vader, and more Natalie Portman hotness, what's not to love?

Also of note, today was my first day "orientation" at the Gap. I filled out my paperwork, promised I wouldn't sexually harass anyone, and got my discount card. Who knows what life in the retail world over the holiday season will bring, but it'll beat sitting at home waiting for substitute jobs that aren't coming.

Moving Forward

The election is over, and George W. Bush received a majority of popular and electoral votes. We can either spend the next four years baying for blood, or we can try to put the divisiveness of the campaigns behind us. I'm not going to spend another post going into why I support him - you know why, and nothing you can say will change my mind about it. Likewise, nothing I say will change your opinions.

In the last few posts and their subsequent comments, tempers raged and flared. I lashed out at the assumption made by many people around me that the only possible explanation for my views is a lack of information, implying that I just wasn't enlightened enough to agree with them. Never did it cross their minds that it took four long years of introspection and analysis to develop my political ideology.

I took cheap shots at the liberals during the campaign, and I had even more cheap shots taken at me. I sincerely hope that now that the campaigns are over, rational thought will replace the primal mudslinging that has characterized the political discussions of the last few months. I think you may have some ideas worth hearing, but I'm not going to listen when you preface it by calling me a war-mongering ideologue.

I don't want to have to spend every post replying to 6 comments worth of the same rhetoric. The Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith trailer is going live online any minute now, and I want to be able to talk about that instead.

First Things First

1. With 98% of Ohio results reporting in, Kerry and everyone else last night knew that there were not enough outstanding votes to take the lead back from Bush. Edwards was the one who kept pushing to never give up until every vote had been counted, come Hell or high water.

2. After being surrounded by them for 5 years, I can say that most lawyers are, actually, evil. If you're ever in doubt, just talk to someone hoping to go to U of M's Law School. Kerry and Edwards had their private jets with "legal SWAT teams" ready to go challenge every vote in the nation. That's what I call a lot of lawyers.

3. Yes, right now the nation is divided on all of the hot issues that marked this campaign. In both Kerry's concession speech and Bush's acceptance speech, they addressed their concerns over the bipartisan polarity that exists and both made the first statements toward bringing both sides back together. Just like Reagan did in 1984 and Clinton did in 1996, I think Bush's second term will make great efforts to reconcile the harsh division of the government and the nation. What doesn't help is people like John Edwards, who in his introduction of Kerry this afternoon went out of his way to enumerate the causes of division in the nation, and even describe the situation as "Two Americas". It's this sort of rabid hatred of the administration by the ultra liberal left and sanctimoniousness of the far right that need to be purged for us to move forward.

4. Loss of privacy? You can't decry the homeland security measures of the administration one minute and demand complete immunity from all searches and seizures the next. I've not lost any of my privacy, and I'm guessing none of you have either. If you're not doing something illegal, you shouldn't have to worry about someone getting a warrant against you. If the FBI, NSA, CIA, ATF, and other agencies whose job it is to ensure national security have to answer to the media for every operation they conduct then they have no ability to do their job. Despite all the rampant conspiracy theorists out there, we are not going to have Marshall law, or a loss of civil liberties under this administration or any other.

5. Lies and deception? You're right, I'm sorry, every other person in a position of authority throughout human history is completely honest and blame free except for those in the Bush administration. Did the President make decisions based on intelligence reports that were completely infallible? No, he saw the same intelligence reports that Clinton had seen, that Al Gore would have seen, and he made his decision based on the best information available. If that information was not reliable, then whoever provided it should be held accountable. OH WAIT, he was! George Tenet resigned as director of the CIA.

6. Government sponsored religion? We were, and still are, a Nation under God. Whether people like it or not, we are a faith-based nation. This is not to say we are a theocracy by any means, but we are undeniably a nation whose religion is consistently front and center in our lives. Whoa, did I miss the creation of the First Church of the United States? Did we add a cross to our flag when I wasn't looking? Sure, it says "In God we Trust" on our money. But it doesn't say a Nation under one God. We are a Nation under Jehovah, The Holy Trinity, God of Abraham, Allah, and dozens of other names that we each give to God. Nobody ever said which god you had to believe in, or even that you believe in anything. But you're right, we should totally abandon all churches and other agencies with religious affiliation and forbid them from carrying out charitable works and welfare. Instead of helping out those local institutions who know the disadvantaged in their communities, we should create massive federal help centers paid for by magical funding, not middle class tax hikes.

Give it up Jackass!

Kerry, you sniveling weasel, concede to the fact that you've lost Ohio. Even if 90% of the provisional ballots are for you, it's not enough to reverse The President's lead. Edwards gave his little Howard Dean-esque rallying cry in Boston, and the masses were promptly told to go home. The only support you and the Democratic Party has is from the bourgeois lawyers in the Northeast, so I don't know what else you're still expecting. Go drown your sorrows in a bottle of ketchup.

Kerry claims to care only about ensuring the democratic process for everyone in the country, regardless of what the outcome is. And, in true fashion, after saying this last week he'll call out his army of lawyers just like his running mate to litigate this nation within an inch of its life this week.

Well, it's 3:30 in the morning, and since I'm not working tomorrow I might as well stay up to see what happens in the Reagan Building. Bush is waiting for one more state to be called before making a speech, and since he's clearly ahead in Iowa, Nevada, and New Mexico I don't think it will be a problem.